I have been thinking a lot about what it took to get me sober for almost 30 years. 30 fucking years! That is a long fucking time. How did I get here? I mean, I really haven’t had any substances that affect me from the neck up in all this time. How the fuck did someone who pretty much drank herself into oblivion daily become this sober person with long term recovery?
I made tiny decisions every single day that led me here. Tiny micro adjustments to my thinking which fundamentally led me to become this person that no longer drinks.
And as with all major change, I think it started with this identity change. I changed my identity from “party girl” to “sober woman.” And this alteration of who I was started on the first day I walked into the sobriety. I mean, it kind of had to. I couldn’t very well be a party girl anymore when I was giving up the thing that made me her to begin with...I was not a party girl when I was sober. No, she was who came out with the alcohol. Without the alcohol I was a lot of other things, but party girl was certainly not it.
So I began the change by becoming someone who did not drink or do drugs. I changed my identity and then had to create behavior that supported this new identity. And it all started with that first day that I didn’t drink, all those moments all day that I chose to support this new identity rather than reinforcing the old one.
I was a drinker and now I was not. I didn’t need to wait until I was sober for a prescribed period of time. I just went from party animal to non-drinker in one moment and then have spent all those moments since reinforcing this idea.
I think most people try to change their goals or methodologies. And I guess sometimes this provides for marginal success. You can change a goal and then do the work to meet the goal. Not the most effective strategy because at the end of the day you can always just alter the goal so that it is more readily achievable. And you can wholesale just decide you don’t give two fucks about it at all.
If you change your methods or systems, you have a better chance to reach the goal or make the change. But really, fundamentally, for lasting change to happen, you have to change who you are.
I went from a drinker to a non-drinker and then everything I did or said went into supporting this new identity. And that is how I got to almost 30 years. That is how it happened. I changed who I was and then my goals and systems changed to support this new identity.
It is really how we all change. If you want to lose weight become a health nut. I you want to run a marathon become a runner. If you want to become a yoga instructor, become a yogi. If you want to become whatever it is you might want to be, you just have to label yourself that thing and then set about creating daily evidence to support your growth into this new identity.
For me this is kind of a revolutionary thought process. Be the thing you want to become...fascinating. And I guess it is most fascinating to me because this is exactly what I did 30 years ago even though at the time, I had no idea this is what I was doing.
My commitment to being sober has never wavered. Sure, I have thought about returning to my previous shitshow state on occasion. But I haven’t because I have spent so much time and energy creating habits and systems that support this new identity I took on as a sober woman. And today, to dismantle all of that would be insane. Most especially when I have been this new, better version of me for my entire adult life (save the 7 years I spent fucking it all up until 25).
How we change is that we make a decision to be something new. To change who we are. And then we create habits and systems to support this new us. And then we mark all the tiny wins. And this is what recovery is in its most basic structure. This is why we mark day counts. Because we need the reinforcement of “the win” to reinforce this new life we are living and this new identity we are being.
I am a sober person. I am a sober person because one day I decided to become that person. And now, all these many days later, I have ample evidence to support that I am this sober person. It is kind of the "if we build it they will come." Except we are talking about ourselves. If we name ourselves this new thing, then we have to change all of our behavior and thinking and systems to support this new identity.
Quite revolutionary when you think about it. We can all just decide to be this new person. We can become gym goers, healthy eaters, non-fingernail biters, marathon runners, meditators, hikers, campers, whatever the fuck we want. First we just have to want it badly enough to change our identity to it and then incorporate that into ourselves. Then set about creating and supporting the habits that the kind of person we want to become would do.
So fucking simple. So fucking hard. But this is how we change. This is how we become different versions of ourselves. This is how I became a woman with almost 30 years of sober time. One mother fucking moment at a time. And I am so grateful. I am so amazed at how all these principles were operating in me and through me even though at the time I had not a fucking clue what I was doing. Today, I know how to change.
And I know it is hard to give up some of these old identities for newer ones that might serve me better. But if I want to change anything, I must first claim the identity of what I want to be, then and only then, will I be willing to make the tiny incremental changes on a daily basis to support this new identity.
And I would be remiss if I failed to mention the underlying grace in this particular change in me. I didn't want to become a sober person because that was some sort of goal of mine. There was gnawing divinity that pushed me towards this new identity. And perhaps there is always this grace present in all I endeavor to change and become. Support from the other side seems important for continued growth.
So for me, in 2025, I am becoming:
A saver
A healthier eater
A focused worker
A published author
A daily reader
A self possessed woman who will not compromise her value for anything or anyone.
I will keep you posted on the progress. I know that I will succeed because I have already claimed them as who I am. Now, all that need happen is that I begin to do the things in the moments that follow to support my new identity.
Again...still.
Fuck yeah!
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