Do you ever just kind of wake up in your life and wonder, “How did I get here?” I mean, you know, how. Really. You were there the whole time. Maybe you drank a little too much along the way so some of the details are fuzzy but for the most part you were there, living, doing, thinking, feeling...your life. Every single day.
And I think for most people, we make progress. I mean, we see things about ourselves that we believe are problematic, or more likely, other people tell us what is problematic in our lives. And we agree or not, but usually we work on them. We see something about ourselves that need work, and we do it. Or not, I guess. Although I will say that I would really like the ability to not do the work this time.
I am tired. I am tired of all the changing myself. I am tired of all the self work and shit. I have been doing this for what feels like forever and I find myself wondering, “How the fuck did I get this far and still have so much work that needs to be done?!” I mean for fuck’s sake. I have literally tackled every single personality issue and childhood trauma, fucking head on. I have done everything that I have been asked and then some to deal with my shit. And right now, all I can see and feel is that there is no end to the work and I am tired and do not want to do anymore.
I know I am being childish. I know that change I must or die I shall. I get it which is why I am still doing the work. And I am still here.
But I would be a liar if I didn’t admit that I am tired. And a little scared. I do not want to do anymore work right now. I do not want to feel the appropriate life feelings for all the things happening in my life right now. I want to sell my house, move to a ranch somewhere up north and just live, in peace and quiet and far less people and drama.
I have been wanting that forever. But it is not in the cards right now. I can’t leave. I can’t move. Here is where I am needed and so this is where I shall be, for now. But I will admit that staying still feels like it is going to kill me.
I find myself envying people who do not have to do the work. People who can just keep doing the same shit and be ok with it. People who are able to indulge in escape. I feel like all my exits are being sealed off and I am not so mildly pissed about it.
I do not want to relapse. But I really do not want to be where I am either. I find myself plagued with thoughts like:
“How did I get this far and still have so much work to do?
“What is the use of doing the work, there is just more to do when you are done?”
“Why does it feel so hard for me to have a life that I see everyone else having with so many less issues, strife and heartbreak?”
“When will I just get to be happy?”
Well, not now that is for sure. I have responsibilities. I have commitments. I have one more child to raise. I have ties that bind and I will honor them. Because that is how far I have come. I will not take off, even when I want to. I will not just abandon all that I have worked for and alight to somewhere else, that magical place, where I know that nothing is really better, it is just a different form of exactly where I am.
I am struggling. I am sad. And I fucking hate it. I do not want to be sad or struggling. And so every day I am having a hard time just sitting still and being in my day, my life, my head.
I am doing all the contrary action: I am reaching out, even though I don’t feel like it. I am showing up, even if I don’t feel like it. I am doing all the things, even though I don’t feel like it.
But I got to be honest - it sucks right now.
Every day when I wake up, there is this gnawing thought that just says, “hey just stay in bed today. Don’t get up. Don’t go to the gym, take the dog on a walk, work, do anything...just pull the covers up and over and peace out for a little while.”
And everyday I resist, so far. And I do this because I am not sure what will happen if I give in. I do not want to be stuck to my bed for days or weeks like I was when I was 27. I do not want that reality back, it was miserable and a very scary time.
So I am telling my truth and walking the dog. Showing up for my life, even though I really kind of don’t want to. And I am trusting that while the work feels overwhelming right now, I just have to do today. Just today. Or maybe even just right now. This moment.
So if you are struggling too, I feel you. And if you want someone to commiserate with, I am here for you. I am not sure what the fuck I am supposed to be learning right now, but I pray that if I can help someone else through, that will be a better use of my time instead of all this morbid reflecting I am doing.
I know, on some level that isn’t completely accessible to me right now, that I got this far by not drinking, not giving up and doing the work...even when I didn’t want to.
And so nevertheless, she persisted....again, still.
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