I finally got myself back in the swing of things...it has been a few weeks. Emotional pain, physical pain and illness are apparently the trifecta required to render me completely useless. My apologies to all who have been expecting my usual and have been getting so much less.
I made a decision yesterday, I would not allow myself to languish in bed. I needed, emotionally, to get up and get some shit done. And boy did I ever. I moved rock, planted things, cleaned things and generally was in motion from about 8:30 am until at least 8:30 pm. And it was a glorious day.
I got the outdoor shower area landscaped, well, started anyway, there is more to do but at least I got it so it looks better and is on its way to completion.
And I have to tell you when I climbed into bed last night, I was tired. But it felt so good. Not the kind of tired I have felt lately. But the kind of tired that comes from hard work.
My coughing fits were minimal although they did keep up last night again. However, during the day I was active and moving. And I cannot tell you what the elixir of movement and accomplishment heals.
It isn’t easy to admit that I have been avoiding things lately. In fact, I have been avoiding all the things that usually make me feel like I am a functional human being: work, tasks, meetings, cleaning, working out, hiking. All the things have just felt like too much. First it was my neck, then I got the flu or whatever the fuck I got. But really if I am honest, I have been depressed. Sadden and rendered stationary because honestly I just didn’t know what to do with myself.
Having your life be your responsibility is a lot to ask of a person. It is perhaps the hardest work there is. To own this life you have and your place within it. To not allow your compulsions to overtake you. To function, show up and adult often feels like something that I just do not want to do.
So I haven’t. I have been phoning it in and doing the bare minimum to keep the whole charade going.
Sometimes, life is just like that. For good reasons, and no reasons at all. Sometimes life just overtakes you and seems to require losses that feel like the ultimate defeat. You sign up for something that you think in the moment makes you worthy, but then that very same thing makes you feel more unworthy than ever.
It is easy to get lost. And I will admit, I have felt very lost lately. None of my usual feel good activities felt good either because I was hurt or sick, mostly. But I will also admit that I had a good amount of “why the fuck should I? I mean what is the point?”
And I will tell you it has been hard work to get something going in a different direction.
Sometimes the hard work is manual labor. Which is the kind of work I needed yesterday. I needed the hard body work to take my mind off things that have been wholly occupying my mind lately. And I will tell you that getting my body into gear really helped move me to a different mental space.
It would be great if the mind led the body, and I think most of the time it does for me, but yesterday it was totally a “I need to get into my body and MOVE it.” Which produced the desired effect of feeling better on all levels.
Sometimes living is really hard work. Sometimes it feels so easy that I forget I am doing it. Sometimes I look at my life and all I see are amazing blessings everywhere, and other times I look around and am somewhat horrified at all I see, and how much I still feel lacking.
The hardest work of all will always occur in my head. Holding me accountable to what the thoughts and feelings make me do. My thoughts and feelings are completely responsible for my external behavior. And sometimes, like lately, there is nothing I can do except accept that I am not really up for the hard daily task of living. Seems really shitty to own that, given I have a lovely life that is golden every single day.
But the internality of me tends to bleed out all over the place and fucks up my ability to show up, do the deal and work hard. Life is always easier when the interiority of me is in harmony with the way I am actually living my life.
I have a tendency to overdo the critical accountability thing. Always being very hard on myself. And to some degree, that is just who I am. But I will say that I needed this down time. I needed the rest, the escape and lack of direction. I can’t really say that I used it wisely, I mostly ate poorly and watched a ton of Netflix while playing some stupid bubble popping game on my phone. But for me this idle time was needed even though it largely feels like a giant waste of time.
What came up for me was that there are always a whole bunch of versions of your life available to you. Always. And sometimes, as attractive as they are, you just don’t have the energy, the time or the metal to engage. Sometimes you just have to be idle, still and in full avoidance mode to be able to level up.
And I am not sure I have actually leveled up...but it does feel like I turned some sort of corner yesterday. I felt alive. I felt productive and I felt like my life was my own. The weather yesterday was the kind of weather that felt like homeostatsis. Like the exterior temperature and the interior temperature were simpatico. I can’t describe the feeling better than that. There was no barrier between inside and outside, it all felt the same.
It didn’t hurt that my neighbor brought over her new puppy. Little puppy kisses and cuddles is enough to send me into orbit any time. A great heart lifting which grants me access to healing that I didn’t previously have the ability to access.
And one more time, I got to get in touch with the fact, for me, that the hardest work of all will always be getting out of my own way. Again, still.
But days like yesterday showed me again, still that when I push myself into action, good things always come of it. And I am able to move myself into a new head space that was unavailable to me before.
Hard work is the vehicle which allows me to move myself from one spiraling mental state to one that feels grounded and full of grace. And gives me an immense gratitude that I am here at all, doing this deal.
Again, still.
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