Half Decisions

Well, what the hell are those?

Those decisions we make that we are not really making, instead, we commit but only outwardly, inwardly, we know we are going to keep doing something else.

Some recent examples from my life:

Intermittent fasting

Not drinking diet soda compulsively

Making a larger 401k contribution

Mirror workouts

All things that I have said, outlaid to other people, and even made a commitment to join others in pursuit of a new goal, but inside, I was just saying it. I lacked the internal commitment to actually follow through. And that for me is a half decision. I make a grand show of saying I am going to do something, but then never take that inside, really toss it around to see if I have the internal metal to really commit to making the change.

So why is it so easy to commit to others and wholly pass over whether we are really willing to commit to ourselves?

Co-dependency? Sure, absolutely.

People pleasing? Yep.

Desire to appear better than I actually am? Totally!

But what I believe is more operative here is the value you I place on the commitment I make to both of us...

Me, I don’t really consider at all and you, I consider far too much...

Let’s take the intermittent fasting example...

My girlfriend and I talked about this and, in fact, I am the one that brought up the idea of getting this app and trying this new way of eating and not eating. She was interested and so we explored it together. I found an app (and let’s be honest when I tell you that it popped up on Facebook and that was the level of research I did) and we both committed to trying this new “diet”.

Now usually I will tell you that I will say I am going to spend the money and download the app, but I never really do. I just pretend like I did it. But I don’t. This time I actually did download the app and was interested...I even paid for it, which I also never do. But I immediately felt like I was being scammed by the app so I got distant. I began to walk away even as I downloaded and punched in my credit card numbers...and what makes this even more crazy is that I knew I was walking away even as I committed resources to the cause. STUPID!

Then I was supposed to get an email confirmation which I never received. Now I could have inquired...I could have followed up to see what was up. But, instead, I seized upon the fact that I had an out and I took it. And that people was the end of my intermittent fasting folly.

Now my friend, she downloaded it, began and committed. She saw that the app peddled on Facebook sucked and researched and found another one that was better and she is all in, not eating until 2 pm everyday...God fucking bless her!

She didn’t make a half decision. She made a full decision complete with follow through, desire + taking next steps. She is not me.

So what the fuck happened to me here?

I made a half decision based on self and a true desire to change but a half assed desire to do the work required to change. And that is the basis of all half decisions. And what I am realizing about myself is that I make them a lot. I say whatever is politically or socially expedient to appear better than I am, get you off my back, out of my hair, so that I can continue to do what I want to do and not be bothered by you.

I do it to feign connection, seeming at first to move closer to someone but then the thing that was the bridge becomes the wall.

Now to my friend’s credit, she hasn’t called me out on it, she hasn’t gotten upset with me for failing to follow through, she is just handling her change like a boss and taking care of herself. Me, I am up at 4 am writing about half decisions which result in half commitments...see the issue?

She is DOING IT!

I am talking about it, writing about but really doing pretty much nothing.

And I do not mean to say that I don’t do anything, I do a fuckton of shit all day long that is productive, has heart and soul. But today, I am calling myself out on my half assed decisions that get in the way of me ever really making progress on several fronts. What fronts you ask? I thought you would never ask!

Diet. (Oh there are many others, but today I am just going to leave it right here with diet)

It occurs to me lately that this is an area that I have been woefully neglectful about...and I am transmitting that dysfunction to my children. I hate eating. It is laborious to me and takes way too much time and money. I resent the time it takes to eat a salad for Christ sake! Seriously, it bothers me with all the fucking chewing. So much easier to wolf down a candy bar...

I hate shopping for food, unloading it, cooking it, cleaning up after it, putting shit away. Seriously, I am just owning up to the fact that my diet blows and eating is a chore. One that I have fully outsourced. My nanny cooks for my kids and I eat cheese and crackers when I eat dinner. I did make veggie fajitas the other night which I acted like I should have gotten a Noble Peace Prize for cooking. I am the only one of my family that actually ate them...my kids both made themselves something else feeding into to my ongoing internal dialogue that says “why fucking bother?!”

So I would rather drink my nutrients...but also lack the ability, willingness or follow through to actually make smoothies or juices that would give me healthy food choices in a more palatable formula.

I have subscribed to at least five of the online order food delivery systems. And I have liked them all. But if I am honest, and that really is a goal here, I do not follow through by actually eating the stuff they send. It is all vegan and organic and it rots in my fridge...pretty much every single time. So it is a feat that I have not resubscribed to one of these - I have been on the sites no less than twenty times in the past month. Each time coming to the flex point with myself where I see that my half decision is just going to cost me a lot of money and do nothing to improve my overall health...again!

So it isn’t an unwillingness to commit resources, I have spent a fuckton of money on diet. But I lack the follow through to actually eat the stuff I buy. Which is arguably the way easier part. Just eat the fucking food you spent hundreds of dollars on...simple. Except for me, it isn’t.

I remain caught between an old and new idea about myself. And this struggle is overlaid with outdated beliefs, strategies and baggage from the past. Also, I am kind of a weirdo about how I eat, like I ate tomato soup for dinner pretty much every night for like three years...so there is some OCD I am dealing with also...I don’t change my eating habits because I don’t really want to and it is just that simple.

And half decisions are a good cover (or perhaps they aren’t) for a lack of real desire to change.

I am a fucking mover and a shaker...if I want something done, it gets fucking done...in a hurry, on time and under budget...(ok, maybe not that last one). But I get shit done. And half decisions are my way of kidding myself into thinking that I am going to get something done on this new front. But inside, inside I already know the truth...I am not going to do shit for long. I am going to talk a good game, spend a lot of money in furtherance of this half decision and then I am going to go back to doing like I always have...FUCK!

So I am calling myself out here. I am letting you in on my dirty little secret: that I don’t really want to change, because if I did, I would be eating fucking salad and be quiet about it. I mean I would have to be because all my fucking free time would be spent chewing...ok, I digress...again.

Half decisions lack honesty and heart. Half decisions are the things that we throw out there to appease others, our egos and are really just wasted energy. And it is high time I said “fuck them” and stopped doing them.

I am laying down the gauntlet for myself to stop making half decisions. To provide myself the space and time to really see what I willing to invest myself in, to really take it in and on. And make all my decisions full fucking decisions. Because that is who I want to be and how I want to show up. Sure, I may not look so great. Sure, you may like me less. But I will at least be able to hold an honest and true opinion of myself, even if my diet sucks and resembles that of a picky child rather than a grown ass mother of two.

It will at least be the real me. Instead, I am going to keep making tiny decisions that grow me in the direction I want to go. Like about two months ago, I started drinking a glass of water every morning. Just one. In a glass...no straw. I pour it and I stand at my kitchen sink and survey my back yard. I marvel at what I created back there. I am struck by the beauty I created and the day that unfolds as I stand there. The hummingbirds doing flybys, the bees busy on wisteria, the goats milling about causing mischief and hilarity in all they do, the dogs micromanaging the goats, the sun burning through the trees, lighting up the space I created to live this life, outside myself and the confines of my ego.

What I have found is that lasting, fundamental change comes in different forms and like a craftsman, I need to carefully select the tool for the task. Sometimes, I need sweeping change, swift and direct and no holds barred. Other times, I need tiny, almost microscopic change that is barely detectable even to me. And the thing that makes any change at all possible is to stop allowing half decisions to be my default. It is only my one precious beautiful life I am living over here, doesn’t it deserve my full commitment? It sure fucking does...