Gut Level No's...

I am not sure about you, but in my life, I have three different beings that exist within me:  my head, my heart and my gut.  And while they all serve different purposes, my gut is the only really reliable reporter.

My Head:

Well, that is a hot mess.  I think all sorts of random, crazy shit.  Sometimes, it is actually based on fact.  My mind is quick to resolve things, to figure it out, and then make decisions based on the “facts” as I see them.

I like the headspace...it is where I feel most comfortable.  I can create any reality I want from there.  And I do that, a lot.  

The headspace is logical, clinical and pretty interested in keeping me safe, you out and moving my life forward.  It isn’t interested in messy emotions or reality.  It likes to create its own and does so daily.

My Heart:

Perhaps the most abused organ in my body.  It leads with a purity that is rare in this world.  But what it has in blind faith is more than made up for with a complete failure to accurately assess the person standing in front of me.  My heart ascribes motives and abilities and capacities to the person, they just don't possess.  The heart sees only good and therefore is so very often duped into believing con men and their words that ring so hollow.

My heart is this amazing place that no matter how many times I have been fucked over, the heart still believes.  It is like it is completely detached from actual real life experience.  It just goes on believing the best about everyone regardless of how they show up and what they do.

My heart is mostly responsible for me engaging repeatedly with people who are not good for me and are big fat liars.  My heart just doesn’t seem to have the ability to tell the difference between a lie and a truth.  She just keeps believing despite all evidence to the contrary.  She is quite desperate to believe all you say, and the thought of you being dishonest, that doesn’t even land.  That is the head’s job, which garners only slightly more success than the heart.

My Gut:

Now that is a different thing altogether.  My gut knows all, but it is quiet and unassuming.  It is never loud, and fuck, is it patient.  It waits, until the heart and head quiet down enough for it to be heard, which is a rarity.  And fuck, when it has things to say, you better fucking listen.  I often don’t.  But that is a blog for another day...

My gut is almost 100% accurate.  It knows things that are beyond what is reasonably knowable in this moment.  The whole time I was with my last boyfriend, my gut very quietly knew all kinds of things.  And she would occasionally throw it out there for consideration but the head and heart were all over that shit with a ton of useless and delusional information that drowned out the wisdom my gut put forward.

My gut knew the whole time he was lying about everything.  My heart and head were just too involved and too stubborn to listen...

I learned a great deal from my unwillingness for my gut to be heard.  I paid handsomely in blood, bone, sinew and grace.  I leveled myself out all because I refused to let what gut knew to be true, land.

Recently, I have had another go round with another drunk firefighter.  I know, I know, will I ever fucking learn??  And the answer is, “yes, but slowly!”  Anyway, my head and heart were doing their usual thing, but this time, after the last time, I was more willing to wait for the gut punch that I attempted to studiously avoid last time.

I engaged and watched it unfold but I knew that all the clamoring for this or against that that my head and heart were mercilessly engaged in would, in fact, subside at some point and that was when I needed to hear what the gut had to say about this whole shitshow that was underway.

I think it helped that I was gone, away from my usual routine.  It is easier to hear my gut when it is given a fair chance and that seems to come with distance, silence and solitude.  It is like my gut is super shy...afraid to jump into the fray my head and heart are always causing...it prefers a solo audience and to be heard in close quarters with no onlookers.

Some shit went down, felt very familiar, which caused my head and heart to do their thing.  It is very easy to get distracted by all their shenanigans.  They are pretty entertaining...until you realize that your mental health is what is going to take the hit.

So, this time, as I was driving through New Zealand, surrounded by beauty, grace and a whole lotta nothing, my gut pushed through all the bullshit my head and heart were throwing around and just said this, 

“When are you going to take care of you?”

It was just the one line and then she disappeared again into the abyss of my abdomen. 

The question leveled me.  How much I have not done a good job of taking care of myself.  How much I have allowed a whole lot of bullshit to go down.  How many prices I have allowed my skin, psyche and general wellbeing to pay.

I got really quiet.  The head and heart, seeing my altered demeanor quieted down with interest in my changed behavior.

Then I started to cry.  Not sobbing, just tears flowing down my cheeks as I drove into a lovely sunset lit evening.

I knew my gut was right.  I was doing it again.  I was engaging with someone who was going to hurt me, and was more than likely already lying to me.  There were gaps, things that didn’t make sense, and a whole bunch of issues that just screamed “NO FUCKING WAY!”  And they were there all along and I was ignoring them.  Repeatedly.  Again, still.

Even after everything I went through with the last one.  Even though my trust and ability to trust was fucking destroyed this last go round, I was there engaging with fuck stick number 2.  And I knew it the entire time.  I just wanted it to be different.  Never underestimate your desire to want something be different...that desire is so strong, it can maim and kill.

Anyway, as I wiped my tears away, I allowed this truth to just seep into my being.  That I have not historically done a great job at taking care of me.  I mean in some areas, I do great.  But where men are concerned, I suck.  And I just allowed that truth to filter in and become a reality that I was no longer trying to avoid.

Very humbly, I asked, “what should I do?”

And after a few kilometers of silence, my gut said...

“Block him”

Well this kicked up a pretty good debate from head and heart.  They immediately chimed in and were quite active.  They made all kinds of arguments, and pleas and ideas and plans and schemes.  They had a lot to fucking say.   A LOT.  It was deafening all their cacophonous wordplay.

And I listened and admit I got swept away by all their campaigning.  But only for a minute.  I could not avoid or step around the very quiet, soulful question, “when are you going to take care of you?”

It was meek, it was timid, and if you were there, you wouldn’t have even heard my reply...but I said it. I said the revolutionary thing that while still feels icky, will change my life for the better.

I said, “ok.”

And then I pulled over, texted him, “I give up” and blocked him.

He remains blocked to this day and while the head and heart have had some pretty good runs at me, gut and I are standing strong.  Because I know the true, deep and lasting impact of a gut level no today.  I know what it means, I know what happens when I ignore it.  I know the hell I will pay for the momentary bullshit Utopia head and heart sell me on.  I can pay now or I can pay later where the stakes are always higher and more exacting.

Perhaps one day I will arrive at a place where the three deciders of my fate will live in a more peaceful union.  Today they man their battlestations which happens to be installed in my soul.  But nevertheless, I am here, doing my best and allowing the gut level no to just be my final answer.

Doesn’t matter if it is right for him.  Or for you. Or for anyone else.  I chose me this time, and didn’t subject myself to months more of heartbreak and mental fatigue and confusion.  I didn’t sell myself on this idea that I was worthy of all he promised and that he would actually deliver.  Gut had evaluated the ever widening gap between what he said and what he did and saw, clearly, that that crevasse was only going to widen and swallow me whole.

Sometimes it takes a life time to arrive at the helm of your very own life...

Sometimes, maybe you never actually do.

Regardless, I feel the most in charge of me that I ever have.  And today, that is going to be called life changing progress...