Glimmering?

I read somewhere that glimmers are the opposite of triggers. That people who radiate positivity and joy wherever they go have the opposite effect on others, but in much the same regard as people who are triggering to others. Same effect perhaps except going in the opposite direction - away from a traumatic response and towards a more healing one.

I don’t know if this is true or if it is just another social media conjuring but it caused me to think. What do I bring with me when I wake up every day? Do I walk around triggering myself and others or do I try to bring some happiness and joy with me?

I am kind of a mixed bag. I don’t ever intend to trigger myself or others. I really try to be a positive force in the world, but my unhealed trauma (not for lack of trying) causes me to continue to be stuck in this healing process that seems to never get me far enough and feels like it takes fucking forever.

So I glimmer and I trigger. And it really does depend on the day which I do more of for myself and others.

Currently, I am in a healing mode. Recovering from another break up, another loss and heartbreak. And it is painful and it is liberating at the same time. On the plus side of things, I am overjoyed to see some things I have been doing FOREVER that I didn’t really understand before and so I am doing the work to change those things about myself that I find unacceptable. But then I am also grappling with the loss of someone who I thought was going to be in my life forever. Seems like my forever in relationships is very fucking short.

Maybe I am just not a life time person. Maybe I can only give of myself for short periods of time and then I have to run off and try something and someone else. Maybe my trauma is just too great to ever heal me to a point where I can pick a person with whom I can create a partnership that lasts. Perhaps I am more healed than I think except I keep picking people who are not.

I am in that place where both things are equally true so it seems.

I am endeavoring to glimmer though. Every single day. To bring joy and equanimity and peace to everyone I meet. Some days I do a fantastic job at this and other days I do not so I just stay home, I mean if I can’t glimmer, I really don’t want to be the one who shits all over everyone else’s day. I am staying home a lot more lately...and there is good reason for that.

As I grow through this more recent break up, I am regrouping and it is painful. And I need to be alone to do this work. I feel too vulnerable out there in the world. I need certainty, peace and comfort and right now the only place I seem to be able to feel all of those things is in my daily living routine: home, walk, gym, home.

So I am not out there glimmering all about, I will, but for now I am doing my best to not be out there in the world triggering others and myself.

I don’t know if glimmering is really a thing. I sure know that triggering is one. And that seems to be where I am right now, triggered and healing, again, still. Perhaps, there is a glimmer of hope in that...