That is what I woke up with today. Immense, intense gratitude. For what you ask? Fucking things up and writing about them. It is these two things that made yesterday kind of a novel day. I have, recently, fucked up some stuff. And me being willing to write about it, created a space for connection to happen. I was moved to tears by all the people who reached out, who sent me love and actually picked up the phone and checked on me. Thank you all. I wasn’t really seeking that, I really just needed to get it out of my head, but the response I got from you all was powerful, humbling and so needed. Thank you.
And while thank you doesn’t seem like enough, it has to be. A grateful heart contains no big conceits. And today, I feel bare, naked, raw but safe. And that those aren’t things that seem to go together, at least not for me. I feel like this morning I am sitting in my dysfunction but I am no longer mired in it. I have been raised up to a place where my head is safely about the water line, and I can actually enjoy the water. No longer worried about going under, buoyed by the love and reach outs from yesterday.
And also my relationship to source, spirit or God, whatever works for you. I have this deep seated, salvation bringing faith that this life, this crazy, weird, tumultuous life is being Divinely led always. Even when it feels that God, like Elvis, has left the building. It is never God that leaves, it is always me. Always. One would think I would know this by now.
Yesterday was a day of connection. And it only happened because I got out of my own way and showed up, allowed people to touch me, engage with them, show them who and what I am. And really it wasn’t all that scary. It was, dare I say it? It was life bringing. It was connected, honest, real and amazing. And because I am good addict, I want more of it. Lots more.
I am not sure how I have lived this long falling to appreciate the offers, the extensions, the reach outs but I have. Terrified to let you in because I so often feel like I have nothing to offer you. And I do not want you to see that...but yesterday, I just let you see it and guess what? You showed me yours. You cared and loved and risked things that you might not have really wanted to. But you met me in that place, that amazing beautiful place where the human heart touches another human heart. Two hearts, beating, loving, touching, sharing. And life felt like it took on new meaning.
I have done a lot wrong in this life. Most of the time while trying to be good. Or at least do good. My motives have always been questionable, until now. I really want, and am willing to do the work, to just be real. And allow you to do the same and to trust that the beautiful, amazing benevolence that has brought us to this place in time where connection is more possible than disconnection, is the razor’s edge, the bleeding edge of life. And while sometimes the cutting edge is painful, it is real. And humbling. And terrifying. But fuck if it isn’t worth all the pain.
Pain
Growth
Joy
My sponsor reminded me that these are in this order for a reason. And that when I am in pain, as I have been recently, I can be guaranteed the growth is coming. And I grew a lot yesterday. I grew in heart capacity because those of you who reached out increased my loving capacity exponentially.
Thank you. I am crying grateful tears as I write this. So lifted above the fray of my own self obsession. Healing tears that had no release forever. Cleansing tears that allow more space and grace for me to love you back, even with all my fear and loathing.
God has never taken something or someone from me that hasn’t served its purpose. The fact that I wasn’t done with it yet, immaterial. If I look back on all that I have lost, given away, or had yanked from me, I can find immense and intense gratitude for all the leavings I have done and have had perpetuated upon me. Today, right this minute I am so grateful for the space for all of you who reached out yesterday and loved me when I was flailing. If God had not removed the ones he did, I would have never had the space and grace to let you in.
The doors to my heart, mind and soul were flung open wide yesterday. And today I have no desire to do the heavy, laborious work to shut them again. I am just going to do God a solid and keep them open. I mean, come on, the universal spirit must be so fucking tired of my dramatic teenaged door slamming. Waiting, every so patiently, for me to realize that my only job is to leave those fucking doors alone and allow God to add or remove as is needed for my never ending spiritual growth. Through open doors, in walk teachers of all kinds, shapes and sizes. Some I will love, others I will detest, but teachers are they all. And I think, finally, I see that.
Thank you to all of my teachers, great and small. I am humbled and willing to learn...again, still.
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