Fidelity...

And I mean fidelity in all the ways...faithfulness is not just about sex.  It is really a commitment to be true and honest and real and loyal to a person in all the ways that relationship requires.

We spend a lot of time in today’s world talking about sexual fidelity.  And I think that is just the most glaring place where our lack of fidelity to our partners plays out.  Truth be told, as a divorce lawyer, I will tell you that people lack fidelity in most of the other areas too. In fact, they lack fidelity in most other areas long before they cheat.

Why?

I think it is this imbalance in the power dynamic in relationships.  We (and I am totally including myself here) would like the other person to be loyal, faithful and devoted, and we are fine reciprocating...except and until the other person gives us pause.  They do something we don’t like...it can be basic like chewing with their mouths open or something more serious like taking money and not being accountable for where it went or how it was spent.  And then we begin, usually In small ways, to distance ourselves from our partner.  We do not share the little tidbit out of fear of anger, abandonment, reprisal.  There are a million reasons why we begin to pull punches in our committed relationships.  But in the end, what begins to happen is this...

“The need to keep the other solely for oneself, and here I do not mean sexual fidelity, will ultimately bear bitter fruit, as respect for the freedom of the Other is supplanted by power and the concomitant need for control.”  James Hollis

As soon as we begin to lack faithfulness in body, or mind, or spirit with our partner, we begin to exchange love and devotion for control and power.  It is a subtle shift, so much so we don’t often even know that it has happened.  But I can trace back the point in time exactly where I made this shift in every single one of my relationships.  It stopped being about fidelity and began being about power and control.

I am sure there are lots of people who will argue with me.  And to them I say, call me!  Seriously, I would love to debate this with you.   But if you do, we are going to use your relationship as fodder, not mine.  And I promise you, I can show you exactly where the shift occurred.

I would go even father to say that the functional, loving relationships that have been able to remain faithful in all the ways, are the ones where there is a good balance of trust and respect for the individual freedom of the other.  Each partner trusts the other and feels no need at all to limit, control, insist or demand things from their partner that erode the feelings of safety by insisting that more time spent together and away from others will bring them closer.

I experienced this in my own marriage.  I have always been an independent person.  I go on vacation alone, I go shopping alone, I hike alone.  I am out there in the world doing things on my own.  And in order for me to feel faithful and loyal, I had to feel trusted.  But I wasn’t.  And that didn’t have anything to do with me.  My ex had his own experiences and issues, most especially with sexual fidelity (others to him, he was not a cheater).  And he projected those issues onto me, causing us to engage in this kind of hostage situation.  He needed to know where I was, what I was doing, where I was going and with whom.  And I, at first, thought it was because he loved me and cared for me.  And I am sure those feeling were also involved.  But really he needed to know where I was all the time because of his earlier bad experiences with fidelity.  

So our love was co-opted by fear and the mutual trust that should have flowed between us became a power struggle.  The more he wanted to know where I was and what I was doing, the less I wanted to tell him and the more time and space away from him I needed.  I wasn’t trying to piss him off or hurt him, I just felt overwhelmed by his need and instead of being able to have a mature, adult conversation about it, we both became anxious and avoidant versions of ourselves.  And what started out as fidelity became a struggle for control.

I never cheated on him, even though he accused me many times.  I will admit I thought about it, often, my needs were so unmet in that marriage in so very many ways.  But what I realized was that we both needed very different things to feel safe and valued.  I needed space.  Time away to myself. Not to cheat as he feared, but just to be me.  Not his wife, not the mother of our kids.  Just to be Erin.  And he needed me to never be far away so that his anxiety could be managed better and he could feel safe.  It was a set up from the word go.  

I spent 13 years in that relationship.  Attempting to get my needs met while meeting his.  In the end, it was just an epic failure all around.  I spent most of my time trying to get away from him and his clinging, and he spent most of his time creating scenarios in his head that would justify the insecurity he felt, not just about me, but life in general.

I can see now, what we lacked from the very beginning was fidelity.  A true connection based on shared loyalty, respect and faithfulness to each other.  We were both committed to getting our own needs met, which belied a true commitment to the other.  And all of that happened because there was this very misguided application of love and trust and complete failure to respect the freedom of the other.

I don’t think I ever thought about fidelity in any other ways but sexual.  But now I see that the sexual fidelity is the last thing that goes not the first.  Infidelity begins the moment one partner fails to honor the needs and wants and wishes of the individual to whom they are relating to and with.  Fucking someone else is just the ultimate end result of a betrayal that occurs way earlier.

And what about all the people who are in open marriages and ethical non-monogamy?  I would venture a guess that while I have not done an exhaustive study, Esther Perel has and she reports that those so called open relationships fail even more often than monogamous ones do.  And despite the abject “openness” of the relationship, people still cheat.  They violate the rules that they discussed with their partner and agreed to.  They fuck friends, or people in their social circle, or people in their own town.  There are very few open relationships that have no rules.  And the research points out that whether you are only fucking one or many, people still cheat.

Why?

I would liken that back to the infidelity that has eroded the relationship way earlier.  And if people spent some time asking the question, “how much respect do I have for my partner’s freedom and individuation?” we would all be better off.  Of course, it would need to be followed up with “and how much respect does my partner have for mine?”

I would hazard a guess that most of us would fail in our answer to both of the above questions...which is why we flail about in relationships, attempting to redefine fidelity when we don’t even understand the term...or that there are different kinds.  We seek instead to control and this contorts the relationship, bending it to our will, and in so doing splinter it into smithereens.

Again...still.

FUCK!