Feeling Stuck...

I feel stuck.  Stuck in this amazing life which I am about to complain about...which feels like I am the most ungrateful person on this planet right now.

It isn’t the life really, it is me.  I am on the cusp of a great many changes and I want to help the process along with some wild action that will shake my life up and out.

I feel a lot like I did when I wanted a divorce.  I had a good life.  My husband wasn’t abusive or really mean to me.  We had our issues, for sure, but our life was fine, really.  I just didn’t want it.  I was miserable.  The partnership we had felt lacking and I felt alone.   I am coming to realize that maybe this is just how I feel regardless, like maybe it isn’t them, perhaps the way I feel is always, 100% about me.

I have always been the greatest obstacle to joy in my life.  I have also been the person that has forced me to move consistently beyond my comfort zone. Which has been a good thing.

I wasn’t happy in that marriage despite all the things about it that were good and functional.  I needed something else from my ex husband, and try as he might, he could not give them to me.  And I know that he needed things from me that I could not give him...so we both just let each other down over and over again until all I think either of us felt was resentful.

I know I am at that place again.  Here in this amazing life I have.  I am safe emotionally, physically and spiritually every single day.  I am sober.  I am healthy.  I have the love of family and friends who really care about me.  I live in a community that is far from the madding crowds and I live in a place of beauty and grace.  I have a job where I get to use all the shit I have learned over the years to help people extricate themselves from toxic, unsatisfactory relationships that are often killing them day by day.

I have a good life.  I just want something else.  As bratty as that sounds.

I have been here before...

Like when I graduated law school and wanted out of Florida.  I left when everyone I knew thought I was crazy to move away with only 9 months of sobriety...I knew I needed something different.

And I was right. I moved to DC, took the bar, passed and started a great life in the big city.

And that life was GREAT until I rafted the Grand Canyon with my dad and I came home and suddenly all the shit I had and the life I was living felt so empty.  I was housed in this large city and everything felt empty and vacant:  my relationships, the way I was living, what I was doing for a living.  All of the life I had worked so hard to build, poof, just like that was unsatisfying.

So I left.  Moved away and out to the Navajo reservation to work for $32k per year.  Bought a little ranch for $78k and lived this simple, peaceful life for a couple of years.  Then I met my ex-husband, then I got a job in Albuquerque and so I moved and began another new chapter of my life.

Lots of people thought I was nuts.  Lots of people thought I was crazy.  Lots of people thought I had lost my mind.  I knew better.  I have always had this inner guidance.  And I think the greatest conflicts I have ever had in my entire life have been when I was refusing to listen to this internal pull because I knew that it would be hard, and people would not approve and it would require a lot from me.

My desire to have other people approve of my life and be happy with me has ruled me.  Truly.  

But the life I have committed to now is one that I don’t want to sustain anymore.  It is too much, it is too busy, it feels overwhelming to me, pretty much everyday.  I long for peace and lots of nothing to do.  I know that I am responsible for the lack of that in my life, and I also know that I have the power to change it all.

I just don’t want to walk through all the hardship I know my life is going to have if I follow what my gut is saying.  And there is always the ever present fear of what if...what if my gut is wrong?  What if the issue to learn here is to be content in this life and stop wanting something else? What if, what if, what if?

The result?  Feeling stuck.  Not sure which way to go, not sure which avenue to chose.  Not sure what I really want. Not sure how to figure that out.  Is this just my character defects running wild?  Or is this my next step and I am just balking?

Why does my life feel like every 10 years I have this really hard decision to make that is going to shake things up, break some hearts and hurt those I love?  Why can’t I just be happy living the life I have been given and worked pretty hard for?

I swear, inside me is this very superficial person.  And she is just so content with living on the surface of life. Shopping, dating, clothes, shoes, tanning.  All the things that make her look more desirable to herself and others.  And I swear, I really wish I could just exist in her world permanently.  But I can’t.  There is this other fucker that lives in here with us that is always challenging us to go deeper, look more closely and do harder work.  And I don’t want to most of the time.  I just want to go to the beach and look good in a bikini.

How does one reconcile the disparate parts of themselves?  How do you live with two beings in constant conflict?  How do you find inner peace with yourself when you are vacillating between two very divergent personages? 

I feel like my whole life has been a great battle between these two very different versions of myself.  And so, well, here I am again.  I guess what is different is I am sharing my struggles in this very public way.  I never used to do that before.  I kept it in and then just took drastic action that no one understood.

My friend Karl and I were hiking out on the islands one day a number of years ago...he said to me the following:

“Remember when you left DC?”

I said, “yep, totally remember that..”

Karl replied, “I thought you were crazy at the time.  Like, really, I thought you were nuts!”

“I know, I remember.  Everyone did.  I am pretty sure there was a pool about how long it would take until I returned, tail between my legs...” I commented.

“Ummm, yes, I am pretty sure there was. Anyway, I thought you were crazy too. Like was really worried for you...” Karl stated.

“I know, I am sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you...” I emoted.

“It is ok, I got over it.  (We both laughed).  But now I see you got out while you could.  Before you were too far in.  I see now, the wisdom of your escape...” Karl admitted.

“Yeah, me too.  Although it didn’t feel like wisdom at the time...I just felt like if I didn’t leave then, something bad was going to happen and I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life.” I opined.

“Yeah, I get that...” Karl lamented.

So I know my internal compass, conflicted as it is right now, knows my true north.  I am never lost exactly, I just am not always sure that I am found either.

As we say in the program, it is hell in hallway. Meaning the hang time between the life you have and the one that is waiting for you is always hard.  So many options and so much uncertainty about which way to go...which results, at least for a period of time of feeling stuck...

I know, I have learned that feeling stuck is part of this whole living and growing process...I cannot get to whatever is waiting for me next without this time right now where I just feel stuck and sad and so impatient.  I do not get to just leap over the present and get to where I think I want to go...for now, I just have to be stuck where I am and find a way to find the peace in that.  I do know there is peace in that.

Again...still.