Fatigue

I am having trouble getting out of bed every day at my usual time. I am tired and it doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I get, I need more. This happens every year about vacation time. Every July I need to get away and recharge and my body seems to know it too.

I am pusher, a hard charging kind of person. But it seems like every July, about the time I usually take vacation, my body tells me “Hey, we are tired and in need of a break.” And it is not just a break from work...it is a break from everything. My home. My routine. My life as it is usually lived...and just to make sure that I do not miss the importance of the vacation, my body slows me down and makes me pay attention.

And it is somewhat sad to say that the only way I might pay attention is by my body blocking forward motion. Its refusal to operate as before, pushes me toward insight if only because I cannot do my life because I am requiring so much more sleep.

And that is what I fantasize about...sleeping in. This year we have rented a house on the beach, and I cannot wait to fall asleep to the sounds of the surf and then be awakened by those same sounds. Just writing that caused me to take a deep, cleansing breath. I am relieved.

I am grateful my body is intent on getting my attention and not by being a total dick and making me sick. Just tired. Just wrung out. I am super happy that I can pay attention. Once upon a time, I was not so obedient and thought it great fun to ignore all the bells and whistles my body sent off. Today, especially as I age, I know that my body, my vital host, will get my attention one way or another. So I might as well pay attention now.

I learned some time ago with trauma that the body keeps the score. Apparently it is also sending me messages all day long which I still tend to ignore until I get a daily message, “HEY, YOU ARE TIRED AND NEED A BREAK FROM YOUR REGULAR LIFE!” My score keeping body demands rest.

Only two more days! A big final push to get us up there and then nothing to do for an entire week! I am so fucking excited. I can’t wait. I am so grateful to be aware enough today that I can put my fatigue in perspective while also having my own back and scheduling my vacation not a moment too late.

I am also looking forward to the change of scenery. The change in schedule. The change of pace. The change of location. Somewhere new to live my life. Somewhere new to move closer to myself.

Fatigue is a good thing. It shows me where I am stuck. It shows me that I need to make some changes. Perhaps next year I can get to a place where I take another break sooner so that I don’t get to this point in July...probably not. But one never knows how one will be willing to change until one can no longer go on as one has before. And for me, it always happens first with fatigue and then with insight into some facet of my life that I am living in a manner that is draining me. And this is progress for me because I used to not notice it at all.