But fuck if we don’t try!
Here is the thing I have learned about external validation...it does work. But it is kind of like a light switch. So long as it is on and the juices are flowing, there is light and you feel all lit up. But the second it turns off, you are going to have to find another source immediately. Lest you sit there in the dark.
Self love is something else entirely. It is the thing that allows you to sit in dark and know you are ok. It is the thing that allows you to not go seeking for another light switch. It is the thing that allows you to be content to sit in the blackness of your life and still feel good about who you are and how you show up. Self love requires no light but can appreciate it when it is there and be wistful about it when it the light goes. Self love is how you feel about yourself when there is nothing stroking your ego, there is no one there to shore you up. There are no words of affirmation, no acts of service, no one to touch you, no one to bring you trinkets and no one to spend your time with other than yourself. Self love is when all of that can be missing and you do not feel it as an absence. You feel good alone, sitting in the dark, no longer needing to flick that fucking light switch on and off all the damn time.
This is not to say that external validation doesn’t feel good or that we don’t need it. If the people in our lives never validated us, told us we were doing a good job, being great parents, told us we were hot or attractive, affirmed we were good people, life would get way less fun and much harder. But we don’t have to have these external sources to feel good. When you love yourself you are capable of shoring up your own edges without assistance or support. Self love, kind of like integrity, is something you have when no one else is looking.
I know I have confused these two a lot. It feels immediately better when someone else shines me on. When someone else tells me I am a good person, a great attorney, hot, look younger than I am, whatever the fuck it is, it feels good to be wanted, desired and, sometimes, even envied. But I will tell you there is nothing in this world as affirming as being able to look myself in the mirror and feel good about what I see looking back.
I am not for everyone. I am often a tough case. I am frequently hard, biting, sarcastic, avoidant and awkward. I really do awkward well. I wish there was some kind of awkward award...I would enter that contest every fucking year, and be a contender. LOL. (So much for not needing external validation, I have just created an Imaginary awkward contest to validate myself!) But I know longer doubt my worth in this life. I do not need you or him or them to validate my existence. I am ok on my own. This does not mean that I have no use for attention or affection or desire. I still want those things. In fact, the more I accept and love myself, I think the more I want to share this whole’er person with another person. It is like, “hey, I am no longer this jangling band of nerves, anxieties and fear all the damn time and have become aware that I have inherent value, I would kind of like to share that with you...” This has produced mixed results...
My life is a constant evolution of experience. Of myself, of you, of the things that happen when you grow and change. And I believe the older I get perhaps the self love gets deeper and greater and the need for external validation subsides a bit. Or perhaps you just don’t have the mental bandwidth anymore to care so much what others think about you. And you kind of end up in this magical place where you like you, hell you even love you but totally get why other people may not love you or like you or want you or whatever.
We all need attention. We all need someone else to notice us and flick that light on every so often. But I feel like I have learned through a lot of trial and error where all my switches are and can find them myself and so my need for you to show me or indulge me has greatly subsided with the advancing years.
External validation feels good. But it is fleeting. It can only exist so long as the external source has the drive to continue to lift you up. Once that source dries up, you are gonna have to find another. Self love isn’t like that, it is a bottomless well of goodness that is never exhausted, curtailed or limited. You can tap in anytime. Hell, I am pretty sure if you are doing it right, you can just feel good most of the time so long as you remain true to you.
And the best part about self love is that you no longer confuse the two. You are not better because someone outside you validates you, you are just ok whether they do or not. And that is an amazing accomplishment in this life. To be ok, just as you, all by yourself, capable of somewhat accurately knowing the good, the bad and the ugly and finding love and joy and equanimity with yourself anyway. That is an amazing place to exist...
Again...still.
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