Is it just a fact of aging?
Is it just me?
It seems contrary for a life well lived. Like, I should want to spend more time with people the less time I have left. But for some reason, deep within me, I feel this urge, desire even, to spend more time alone and in solitude.
I know, what the fuck am I even talking about again?
Eremition is the act of withdrawing or retreating, often into solitude. Eremite means to hermit.
And as I have written many times now, I have this deep and abiding fantasy where I remove myself to a mountainside somewhere, beneath the shade of giant Redwoods. And I live out my days there in quiet reflection and solitude with the occasional sporadic visit from loved ones and friends. I think about it every single day, multiple times.
The current political climate makes this desire more fervent and, perhaps, imminent.
Perhaps this is just an acceptance of my future foreboding. I want it because I see it happening regardless. I love people, but I love them less and less with each passing day. And find myself worn out and overdone with the tasks of daily communication and engagement. My circle has gotten increasingly smaller and I am not upset by this at all. In fact, I often feel like I would like to make it smaller. Not my core people, they are keepers. But my periphery still feels a little too full, if I am honest. Dating, or attempting to date, doesn’t make this any easier. The constant meet and greet is a challenge that I am quite tired of accepting. I am about to just give up again...but I do have some hopeful prospects. Fingers crossed.
So why am I dating if I want to end up alone in the woods? I guess because I don’t want to be completely alone in the woods, forever. I would like to share that kind of quite intimacy with another. Someone who is my base and comfort. Someone who I can be alone with. I know, the two concepts do not work, but it is what I want, nevertheless.
I would like to escape from the modern world and retreat with someone who makes me feel completed, understood, whole. While I provide them the same understanding and peace. Two souls intertwined and finding solace and comfort in each other’s presence without the need for constant plans and reassurance. Just a quiet abiding life, shared.
So far, all I have is major strike outs. Ha Ha! But I am still coming up to bat.
I suppose that is as it should be also. Divine timing is not easily understood or accepted. It is just there whether you like it or not.
I search Zillow for my solace daily. Occasionally getting over zealous and thinking I can make this move now. I can’t. But I am happy to speed up the timing. And perhaps this is something I ease into rather gracefully over time? A second home to retreat to while still keeping a foot in my current existence? I don’t know if that is possible, something tells me that once I go, I might never come back. I will be swallowed by the stillness and digested in place.
Regardless of whether it happens or not, I want it. I dream of it. I think about it all the time. A quiet, simple life, hopefully shared with someone I love who loves me back. But if that isn’t possible, then alone, with cats and a dog and likely some other barnyard animals. Time to walk the forest. Time to read and write. Time to garden and cook. Time to just be.
Perhaps what eremition really is is a calling. Something that reaches for you from the beyond. Something that envelopes you and pulls you to it. Embracing you and shepherding you away from life as you currently understand it. Perhaps eremition isn't so much something you do, but rather, something that happens to you...if you are really lucky.
Not yet, but soon...
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