There are some (I may be one of these people) who believe that the world is made up up of energy...tiny particles of matter that vibrate at different frequencies and levels. And these levels, remain largely undetectable by us. Largely. But, at least for me, the older I become, the more I can see and feel them.
I am, whether I like it or not, an energy person. I see it and feel it. I am the kind of person who can walk in a room and immediately sense something is off. I can be on a hike and feel the presence of something threatening before I ever see it. I can provide examples, but I won’t. And I am not because I do not need to convince you or me that this is my reality. I am an energy person, through and through.
Despite this fact, I have not really spent much time studying energy. It is as if, I feel it so intensely that it has allowed me to not really think about it at all. I seem to be able to tell when my energy is off (or yours) and act accordingly....well, I just came to a fundamental realization that this is not really true. I have been more caught in others energy fields. Like a fly in a spider’s web. Getting all tangled up in them and then my own energy becomes drained or almost overwhelming...kind of like two lightsabers being crossed. That is a lot of heat and energy being thrown about...
It occurred to me today upon awakening that there is this feeling that I get in the pit of my stomach when the energy match up is wrong. And I never, until just this morning, equated the two things as having to do with an energetic mismatch.
I have spent a lot of time trying to force my energy and presence upon others. I have had others really want my energy in their space. I have felt pulled, almost sucked into others, some willingly and others not so much. Sometimes, I am overpowered to the point of inaction with the energy and force of others. Other times, I am so trapped, like a tractor beam that I cannot even see that I am being pulled out of my orbit. Regardless, for someone who feels energy so acutely, I have been stubbornly ignorant about how much these energy crises are operating in my life.
And I was stupefied, because I never saw that this feeling that I get in my abdomen is where the energy misfire is signaled. It is kind of like having a warning light in your car, let’s take the check engine light for example, and seeing it go off many times over the years but never really believing that it was indicating something valuable. Like the light comes on, but the engine still runs, so what is the actual big fucking deal? Now all along the engine light has been trying to tell you that something is up. And maybe you even took the car into the shop because you actually paid attention long enough to see that the light just maybe, might be telling you something important. But the mechanic, now years subdued by technology, plugs it into the machine and the two machines talk to each other, or don’t, and they come up with a misguided agreement that nothing is actually wrong. They reset the “sensor” and charge you $500. Off you go, $500 less dollars in your pocket with a now mechanic certified belief that there is nothing wrong. You can substitute therapist, coach, doctor, lawyer...for mechanic to achieve the same result.
The next time the light goes off, you are irritated because you wasted $500 and the fucking light still isn’t fixed. So you decide that you are not wasting another $500 and the mechanic can fuck himself, him and his stupid computer. So you carry on...light flickering and now tuned out.
Years go by. Maybe decades. Then one day, that little light, which has been trying to tell you that something is wrong for a long time, finally has to do what it has to do, bring on a crisis of more epic proportions.
I woke up today with that intuition. That this feeling I get in my stomach is my check engine light and it has been flashing for years. But I was never completely sure what it meant. I mean I might have mentioned it to therapist and doctors over the years. And like the mechanic, they did their thing, and then told me it was fine. Except it wasn’t.
I woke up today knowing that that feeling I get is when there is an energy mismatch going on. My vibrational frequency does not match, and perhaps even conflicts, with someone else’s. Today this landed and I felt like I could breathe on some new level. Like there was space created in my life where I could see and now feel that the feeling I get is actually my bodies' check engine light, letting me know that there is an energetic issue going on which is why I am feeling the way that I do, right there in that part of my body.
And I realize that most often I feel this when I am trying to match divergent energy fields. Like I want mine and this other person’s to vibe and they don’t. I mean perhaps there is enough there to initially make me feel like there is a connection, but after not long, I know it is wrong, but I persist anyway. That is what my check engine light is there for...to tell me when the main operating system in my life is off course, faltering and could explode.
I didn’t know.
Now I do.
And as sad as this makes me, I do not have the power to reconcile these diffuse energetic masses. I want to. I need to at times. But alas, I am not vested with that power. I mean I have put up some really amazing fights. I have fought valiantly to hold two opposing energy fields together, fuck I have at times tried to hold together seven, or five or three. And the worst part is I can do it, for awhile. But inevitably, always inevitably, there is a crisis that I cannot evade and time when the differing energetic fields are so powerful that I have to let go, I cannot hang on any longer. And it is messy, the energy spurts and seeps and splashes all over everything and it creates quite a natural disaster (that will be tomorrow’s blog).
And in the fallout, I am left to sort out what the fuck just happened. Sometimes with consequences that I didn’t intend. Sometimes with consequences I didn’t think through all the way. Often just sad and scared and unsure what to do next.
But as I write this morning, I know that somewhere along the trajectory of this vibrational energetic relation, I knew all along that the check engine light was indicating something. I knew but I ignored it. Maybe I did take it to the mechanic. But I allowed the authority of his (or her) decision to cause me to ignore my own intuition. And allowed for another day or month or year, that which I knew to be true to be ignored a little longer.
I lied to myself. I lied to you. I lied to keep the delusion alive that there was a good energy match...and that pesky check engine light was just an annoyance in my otherwise charming life...
Nope.
I wish that these energetic wastelands were easier to clean up. Like some sort of toxic spill that has all these steps and special suits for protection. But energy is not really visible. It flies all around us but it isn’t really grab-able or papertowel cleanable. It isn’t an oil spill which is a fucking mess to clean up, but there are methodologies to employ. With these energetic shitshows there is really nothing to do but write about it, inventorying the fuck out of the whole dumpster fire, and then wait. Wait until more is revealed. Allow the passage of time and then try to apply what you have learned to the next energetic match up. While praying, desperately praying that this time, you will see the check engine light before it it too late. And you will be able to honor that tiny little annoying light before you go any further...that you will heed the warning.
I don’t tend to do that...I tend to rush in. Flap about and really fuck things up. But that just seems to be my way. But today, when I realized the location and what the signal is really signaling, I think I might have a prayer of doing something differently next time. I might take a couple of steps back, like way the fuck back and allow for the energy of others to coagulate in front of me for a bit before I decide to cross and mix my energy with theirs.
At least that is my ongoing future intention...to pay closer attention to my energy and my check engine light. And perhaps, just maybe that might help me to avoid these gross spillages of energy that create a wasteland that I have no idea how to clean up.
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