“The emotionally intelligent person knows that love is a skill, not a feeling, and will require trust, vulnerability, generosity, humor, sexual understanding, and selective resignation.”
Alain de Button
I have made quite a mess of my life believing that love is a feeling. It is an action and a skill. Something that some of us seem to have a much easier time with than others. Some people just seem to start out further along...at least that is what it seems to me.
And perhaps that is because they are able to trust, be vulnerable, the two first ingredients for this loving task. And, coincidentally, the two things that I am worst at.
I have the other things in spades: generosity, humor, sexual understanding and even selective resignation (I am a good resigner). These are qualities well developed in my personage.
And I consider myself an emotionally intelligent person. However, I guess, now that I see this particular definition, I can see that I am missing two rather essential parts of being a wholly emotionally intelligent person. I know, I know, anyone reviewing my dating history could have told you that.
But it is never what others see that makes it mark. It is always what we see, what we can own, acknowledge or accept that is the issue. And the issues of trust and vulnerability go hand in hand. It is impossible to have one without the other. And I can see that it always starts with trust for me...I really do not trust anyone. Except my mom. She is the only one that I trust completely, repeatedly, and has proven over my lifetime to have been a stellar choice in that department. Everyone else, not so much.
And because I do not find people to be worthy of trust most of the time, that makes vulnerability almost impossible. Sure, I have attempted to skirt it and go all in anyway. But in the end, I pull out and away, because I am never really sure that what I think is actually true or a good thing.
I have to admit to kind of being bummed. I mean, I thought I was really advanced as an emotionally intelligent person. And now, given this particular definition, which seems balanced and well rounded, I am not really even out of the starting gate. I mean without trust and vulnerability, what good are all the other things? Generosity, humor, sexual understanding, and selective resignation are all great but feel a little empty if trust and vulnerability aren’t the foundation for the others.
Fuck.
Now what do I do?
I guess just keep trying. Work on being a more trusting person, so that I can select more trustworthy people in my life. And perhaps if I can do that then maybe I can work on being more vulnerable. However, I will own just typing that made me want to hurt myself. (Not really, ok, I mean, kind of...).
Fuck. Why is this so hard?
I will keep plugging away at it because I know that is my work. I am supposed to keep trying and keep moving forward. This is what I am supposed to work out in this lifetime. I really wish it was how to spend gazillions of dollars on real estate and clothes and shoes, but alas, it is to do the hard work of intimate relating. To work on becoming a more emotionally intelligent person. One mother fucking day at a time.
Again...still.
FUCK!
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