Today is a big day. My daughter takes her driver’s licensing test. And I think I am more nervous than she is. She is a good driver. She is 17. She has done all the footwork and now it is time for her to take the test and move forward.
I will fully admit, I am not sure I am ready for it. It is the last control I really have. She doesn’t have her own car, but I have two so there is one available for her to drive. It is kind of terrifying to know that your youngest child is now almost fully launched into the adult world. I mean to the degree any one ever really is...I am still waiting to be ready to be an adult. I am currently in year 41 of my adolescence.
I am going to show up today and be present and do what I can to assist her in this monumental accomplishment. I can remember how much and how long I waited to get my license. (That is a long story for another day...). Getting your license is freedom. It is also a great deal of responsibility...but oh fuck the freedom. I am not sure she is ready for it, and I am really not sure I am. But today is the day ready or not.
I am equaniminous about the results. They are not mine. They are hers. And my job is to trust that this will work out exactly as it is supposed to. And my job today is to get her there and then to be the moral support if she doesn’t pass and the cheerleader if she does. That is all.
It is kind of cool to think that I taught her to drive. Me. I did that. I taught her all the things. Years ago if I am honest. We went on a trip up to Mendocino and were staying in this fairly remote place so I taught her to drive. It was a bit harrowing in that she wasn’t anywhere near the age to drive, but the timing was right and so was the place. So we did it.
Driving is such a privilege. And such a danger. I both want her to pass and do not want her to pass. Such a weird feeling. It is another letting go in the long line of all the other letting gos I have done and continue to do in my life. Parenting being the hardest and most challenging of all.
But like everything else I have learned with parenting, I have to just relax and accept that I have done my best, now it is up to her. She has the skills, knowledge and experience. And my job is to get out of her way, but stand close enough to give her guidance and rules and hold her accountable.
Parenting is so unfun so much of the time. But believing in your kids, seeing them grow and change and move into their best selves...that is the best gift of parenting. One of my friends from high school said that his three boys all got married within the last year. And I thought, what magic for him and his wife. To see their sons grow up and become men and get married and begin their lives, in love. What an amazing feat!
I am NOT ready for any marriage talk - I am barely ready for today and the DMV. But it was a lovely moment to witness in my friend’s life. And something to look forward to later, much later in my own children’s lives. I am sure in that arena I have served as more of a warning of what not to do than an example...but it is what it is. It is service either way.
Today, I pray that my daughter show up and step into her own and clear this almost last hurdle before she turns 18 next April and graduates next June.
For me, it is bittersweet. I am honored to be here and to have raised her all her life. But being here all this time just means that I have a ringside seat to her departure. Which I know is coming, and I want for her, but I am somewhat sad for me. She is truly an amazing kid and hopefully after this morning a licensed driver!
Stay tuned for tomorrow’s blog for further details...
Again, still.
Likely one of the last days I will be driver, it is shotgun city for me now....
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