Well the driving test didn’t go well yesterday. We will try again later this month. All in all she handled it very well. It is hard to watch your child struggle with disappointment and feeling like they aren’t good enough. It was a tough morning for us both.
Of course, I didn’t say this to her, but I felt like there is/was a reason that it worked out this way. Some Divine Universal intelligence at work. Maybe I just think these things because I can’t make sense of the world in any other way. Maybe it is a cop out. I don’t know. My life does seem to make more sense and be more manageable when I trust what is happening, whether I like it or not, is what is supposed to be happening. No accidents. Just what life is like in the moment.
There seems to be a lot of ending in my life lately. Mostly relational. And it is painful. I seem to lack the staying power and the willingness to remain in relationships that have become very uncomfortable. And I see my part. I do. It is painful that some of the other people do not see theirs. But that is not my business. Not my concern. Not my side of the street.
One of the best gifts in sobriety I have been given is the ability to own that which is mine. And also that what I decide is mine is mine alone. No one else can make me own their stuff or convince me that the demise of any relationship is 100% my fault. Which is a long way for me to have traveled in this life. I have been acutely willing throughout my life to either blame you 100% or take the blame all on my shoulders. I like to think I have matured and can now see relationships as fluid and dynamic and ever changing. And because they are not static, responsibility and blame flow freely between the two participants.
When a relationship comes to an end, there is always a chance it is revived but that seems to only be something I do with toxic men. LOL. Other people, friends, once the fracture occurs, there is really nothing left but the splitting. And I will admit, I have hung in some friendships for a really long time because I knew that the moment I said anything, it would be over.
I don’t like the endings. But I do see the Divine Timing in all of it. And I am grateful for the level and degree of acceptance I have in my life today that I can see when it is time to just let it fall apart. There isn’t much else that can be done, and hanging on and getting dragged all the way to the finish isn’t very much fun.
I don’t understand life a great deal of the time. But I do know that life will take what it wants, never with my permission or even sometimes, with an explanation. Sometimes I have to wait a very long time to see why that thing happened 12 years ago. But so far, even if the relationship ended, I have always been given an idea, a reason for it at some point. And so far anyway, I am always the better for it.
Divine Timing is always perfect in its application, but so far, anyway, not in how it feels. In the moment it feels all wrong. It feels like it is a mistake. It feels like I am not ready. It feels like something that I am going to barely survive. But I always do. I survive and actually I thrive. Showing me once again, I do not ever seem to understand or know what is best for me. Again, still. But I am grateful for the ability to accept those things that I still want but are being removed from my life. Letting go need not be hard or difficult or painful...when you trust the Divinity within it all, it gets a lot easier to just open your hand and allow that which you were clinging to just leave.
Again, still.
Even though it hurts...
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