Very uncharacteristic of me recently, I said that I would go out dancing, and I actually went. And I had a great time! I always forget how much I enjoy it and how free I feel while doing it. I really should do it more often.
I attempt to remember to dance every day. I have a friend who is traveling now and she started dancing every day and it reminded me that I used to do that. I have done that sporadically throughout my life. A lot when I was younger, then with my kids when they were younger, and then recently just on my own in the kitchen, sometimes in my bathing suit! Which feels pretty defiant and free for a 54 year old.
Dancing means freedom for me. I can tell exactly how I feel about myself if I look at how I am dancing. If I am gyrating all around then I am in my skin, wholly occupying my body. My body is in control and my mind is not. If I am just moving from side to side, kind of shuffling through, then my mind totally owns me and my body is once again held prisoner to my thoughts and the feelings generated from those thoughts.
Most of the time, I can get out of my head and into my body. Music just does that to me. It frees me in ways that nothing else can. I love the whole music experience, regardless of whether I am dancing, signing or just listening. Music speaks to me in ways that nothing else can.
Dancing brings up for me this inner resistance I have to fun. I like to think of myself as a happy person, someone who enjoys her life and participates in the daily life occurring. But right now as I write, I can feel this inner resistance. This seriousness that takes me over and owns me. The thought of getting up now and going and turning on music this morning and dancing seems like such an immature thing to do. I know that it would improve my mood - this morning already started off hard at 4 am when there was an issue with a client and court this morning. I was not even awake, it is Monday and there was already a problem. My entire nervous system went into red alert and is now bracing for Monday’s coming onslaught.
Likely the best thing I could do right now, is to go dance it all away. Life is messy. Things get messed up. Then they get fixed. It is all going to be ok...eventually. I have done what I can. And just because the morning started off badly, doesn’t mean that it has to remain that way. I do have some power here.
I am not sure what this resistance is within me. I know what to do to alleviate the seriousness of my current mental state. But allowing myself to actually take action to change it seems frivolous. And for reasons I can’t quite articulate, that seems to be something that I never, ever want to be...
Friday night spinning around the floor, dancing like no one was watching and having a lovely time was healing for me. A bit of freedom found during a time when life has felt most especially hard. In the last three weeks I have lost a boyfriend, sponsor, my dad has been in the hospital, I have had issues with my son (again - but we are working through it), a horse show and a bathroom remodel. This doesn’t include the daily grind of work and practicing law and other daily life requirements. In short, life has felt very out of control and I don’t do well when I feel this way. Grief is hard for me to manage when I have nothing going on, it is harder still when I have so much occurring at once.
But in the intervening time, I have also gained a sponsee, old friendships have rekindled, time with my family is better and more frequent, and I allowed myself to take an evening and get out of my own way and take to the dance floor and allow all of the angst, hurt, pain, anger, sadness and grief to just come flowing out and onto the dance floor.
I can honestly think of no better place to leave it actually. And now, with my writing done for the day, I am going to go shake my shit in the kitchen for five minutes and allow the magic of music to heal me once more. Then I will sit down and meditate and gather myself back up to begin another Monday.
Life really is what you make of it. And I am not sure why, but I have this rather nasty habit of making it harder than it needs to be. Grief is here and I just have to allow it its time. It will pass. I will heal. And I will allow myself to be vulnerable again with new people. Or maybe new old people. I just know that for now, I must move on without two people in particular. And that is painful but how it should be.
How do I know?
Because I was the one holding on. Both of them left my life a long time before the actual fracture. I can see that now. Perhaps one day I will see the break when it actually happens, but probably not. And since that gap between reality and my reality always seems to be larger than it should be, all I know to do is to let it all go and just be present for the here and now.
And this morning the here and now is going to include dancing.
Me on my way to get down on it!
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