I am up late (for me). The house is quiet. Animals still asleep and snoring. Kids away and likely unwrapping presents in another time zone. I am nestled in my bed in my familiar writing position...coffee at hand, purring cat on my lap, sitting in the dark, computer propped on a pillow in front of me. Words falling onto the page.
I am thinking this morning about how far I have come. How much I have changed. How this quiet morning has become the greatest gift to me when once it would have been torture. This day holy to me for reasons other than its celebrated purpose.
On this most famous birthday, I do feel re-born. Changed in some fundamental ways. Nascent in my evolution. In the stillness of the morning, I can feel myself as myself. I am here, present and open to what my mind thinks about, my heart feels and my body interprets from its environment.
I do not feel pressured or timed. I do not feel sad about the lack of activity that usually accompanies this day. The day’s greatest gift is the solitude it provides. The quiet almost like a soft, warm blanket for my soul.
I wonder how I got here. To this place where it is quiet and still and calm. Where I feel whole and complete just as I am. I am not missing anything or wanting for anything. I feel relieved from the constant grasping of my everyday life. I feel the respite of myself. This place that I avoided for so much of my life, now the largest comfort. Almost like a cocoon. This is where my growth is happening. This is where I have metamorphosed into who I am right now. Except unlike my butterfly counterpart, I go through this change daily not just once. Somehow being given the gift of returning to the cocoon every night and waking up new and fresh, with new wings and ideas for the day ahead.
My budding life unfolding in seconds, minutes and hours. Believing that the moment I am in contains all that I need.
I marvel at myself much like that of a child watching the tiny Lepidoptera brought to life. So much of my life happening in that opaque cocoon that only hints at the life it contains. So much of my growth internal and unobservable by outsiders yet so much going on internally: the growth of beautiful wings that will one day allow me to fly off into another day.
I begin to wonder what was the cocoon? Was it my marriage? Was it Lane? Was it any relationship that provided me a measure of safety and security? If so, why did I leave? Why did I change? Was I always destined to outgrow my surroundings? Where did the courage to do that come from?
Or is the cocoon something innate within me? Something I created for myself? Something natural that was organic and always present? Something I re-grew for my own purpose, use and benefit?
Could it be both?
While these thought examine a deeper dive, I am not going there this morning. Today, I am just content with a more shallow experience and examination. Today, I am here and so incredibly grateful for the life I have right now. Not for all the people in my life, the things that I possess, the material possessions I am privileged to enjoy....not those. Those are grateful subjects for another day. Today, I am grateful for the internal life I have. For the inner peace and love I feel for myself which has unlocked the door to loving all who wander into my life. Today, I am sure that I love myself. I feel unified and whole. I feel loved and cherished, if only by myself. I can see how much this is the greatest present I could ever be given. The gift of myself to myself.
Today is filled with a few others but mostly it is filled with me. All of me, the whole complete me that was so missing from my life for so long. She was here, always here but never present. Today, we are finally one. One person who is grateful for the growth, the change and the transformation into something and someone new.
Today it is Merry Everything to All! Today I can be happy and content and in fact even celebrate it all because internally the war is over. The ceasefire permanent on my self denigration and subrogation. Today, I relish in my aloneness and singleness. Today, I love exactly what and who I am. Today, I see that this is the best present I could ever be given. And I was the only one that could give it to me.
May you all have the best of all good things and find yourself at the center of your heart’s desire. This is my Christmas wish for you. Merry Christmas!
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