I am still extricating myself from the online men. Turns out that I only have one "its not you, its me" conversations in me per week. So my big push to eliminate the online masses from my life is going a little slower than expected. Why is it that I care? Why is it that telling someone that I have never met that I don't want to meet them hard?
Expectations. I have them. The men have them. It is not easy to let both of us down. If I am really honest (and I do try) the main problem is me letting go of the fantasy. Because despite all of my writing and preaching and grand standing, there is still this very large part of me that believes "wait, maybe this guy might be the one!" This delays my progress considerably.
It is unbelievable how much I want to believe this. The allure of the endless stream of eligible men is astonishing. I haven't been online in 5 days but there is this siren like call that I hear in weak moments that beckons me back. I was smart, I deleted all the apps from my phone. But I did not delete the accounts because there is still this part of me that thinks there is something there for me. I will delete them...just not yet.
There is still a part of me that needs to believe that I am wanted. A part of me that can't quite give up this dream of finding someone to connect to and with. I often hate this part of myself. And have tried denying she exists, but that is counterproductive and stupid. I feel it. I am there. It sucks.
It is on days like today that I am grateful from the reprieve...if only from myself. The part of me that likes to juggle and spin. The part that thinks that something meaningful can grow out of superficial and surface. On the one hand, I marvel at how very much mental work that takes. On the other, I pity this poor delusional woman and her madness.
So on day five, accounts signed out. Apps deleted. I only have a couple more men that I gave my phone number to that I have to tell I am out. How long will this take me? How long will I keep them tangled in my delusion? Who am I kidding, they are tangled in their own delusion which might be way worse (or better) than mine! I guess today's progress will have to be that I am less tangled than I was five days ago. I guess that will have to be enough...onward to Day 6!
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