Tomorrow ends the Mansbatical...one year examining my relationship with dating, men and myself. On some levels, it has been an epic failure...on other levels a smashing success. I guess it very anticlimactically demonstrates what life is like...progress but never perfection.
I will give you a complete breakdown tomorrow about all the very many things I have learned but will reserve today to really hone in on what I have learned most...that I have a lot of work to do on love of self.
It is such a tricky subject for a drunk. We, as a lot, are so full of self and selfishness that it hard to talk about self love and worth without feeling like you are treading on thin ice. I talked yesterday of humility which is indispensable for any addict to ever have a prayer of being right sized and being able to take any kind of successful inventory...
What I have learned most in this last year is that I, still, despite lots of therapy, relationshiping, reading, step work, prayer, meditation and lots of other supportive and life affirming activities, have been seeking worth through men...
I feel like I was born, some shit happened and I have spent the rest of my life working on proving that I am a worthwhile woman, well, I will be a worthwhile woman as soon as I can get one of you guys out there to really love me. Very sad, but oh, so very true...
As I review the last year, my failure to really take an entire year off of dating, I can see that I couldn’t do it for one very simple reason: I needed men to prove to myself that I was worth loving. Again, very sad but again very true.
I spent the better part of the year alone but I couldn’t stay out of the dating arena for anything longer than four months because I needed the validation dating provided. And like all addicts, I learned that nothing outside yourself is ever going to satisfy the craving...no matter how desperately I need or want it.
I really wish that I had something more uplifting to report. I really wish that I had made more progress. However, I am very grateful to see this very hard and painful truth. I, without men, feel less than...
So I guess I begin this next year right here. Amidst my failure and admission of defeat. I think I am going to have to find a way to love myself solely on what is contained within myself. I can see that men and dating were never ever the issue. I am the issue. I am the one who has set about it all wrong and have gotten every single lesson I needed to arrive at this most daunting conclusion...
I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO PROVE I AM WORTHY WITH PEOPLE AND THINGS OUTSIDE MYSELF BECAUSE I, NOT ANYONE ELSE, HAVE A FUNDAMENTAL AND MISGUIDED BELIEF THAT I LACK WORTH AND VALUE IN MY OWN RIGHT.
And there it is. An ugly not so little truth that I learned repeatedly this past year...
I am not sure where this leaves me...somewhere in the middle and not really feeling the need to reach out for big, life altering decisions at this point. I can see that it has been and will always be an inside job. What I am getting finally is that I am the one who is really unwilling to go there and do the work...still.
I would rather disconnect from myself and let you decide who I am, what I should do and how I should be. That is easier, except it isn’t. So I can see I have some work to do and for today I am willing to do it. I can see that no one else is going to help me see, feel or believe that I am ok just as I am. Others may help or hurt, but the down deep, fundamental question to myself is this:
ARE YOU WILLING TO HAVE YOUR OWN BACK?
EVEN WHEN OTHERS WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT FROM YOU?
CAN YOU STAND YOUR GROUND AND HOLD YOUR TRUTH EVEN WHEN THAT MEANS FOR SURE YOU WILL STAND ALONE?
At this moment, I do not know. All I can say, is that I am going to use every single minute of my life to try to answer those questions. I know for sure that I will fuck it up but I also know that I will make progress. Because I will continue to unearth these somewhat unlovely truths about myself. I do this not so that I can get a better life but so that I can really, truly connect with you. I want connection in my life. I want to care and be cared for. I want to love and be loved. I want to need and be needed. I want to give and be given to. I want there to exist a bridge where giving and receiving are done freely and without score keeping. I want to really be able to know who I am and how I show up so that I can tell you the truth and be ok with you doing the same.
So for the love of self, I have given you the last year of all my best efforts which have resulted in me seeing that I still have a very long way to go. I am also going to claim some progress because I know things for sure today that I was totally clueless about a year ago. A year ago, I really believed men were the issue. Let me reiterate that I know 1000% that men have not and were never the problem...I am the problem..every single time. Which is the best news ever...because I can and do change me all the time. If it were men, I would be totally fucked because I lack any power to change mankind. I do not even understand them a great deal of the time. However, I do understand them more and that has only come by understanding myself better and more deeply.
So one more time, I am the problem and the solution remains spiritual. I have to continue to do all the things I know to do so that I can clear out the blockages in my channel to the divine. Keep the channel open and free from pride, ego and self so that I can continue to grow into a better, more useful version of me. Because it isn’t, in the end really about me, it is about using this life, this amazing life I have been given to be of service to others. And that is the whole purpose and intent of Naked Random Thoughts...a sincere desire to share the struggle with those who struggle too.
I offer up my confusion, pain, angst, fear, loss, anxiety, joy, exuberance, humor and love in an effort to connect with you...all of you every day. I want my struggle to mean something and the only way I know for that to happen is if I mine it for all I can, and then give away every single thing I find. I know that so long as I do this, I will be given all that I need to find a peaceful abiding in this world. It is the path for me, and I have known that for a long time. While the divine lives in many places and people, it is within my own chest where it has been the hardest to find.
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