I saw Lane yesterday. It was terrifying and amazing. We met where we went on our first date and spent three hours talking about everything. Catching up on the kids and our lives. I can’t tell you how wonderful it felt to sit in his presence. To see his smile, hear his laugh.
I requested the meeting. I dreamt about him again the night before and it was disturbing. When I woke, I realized that I was still in this place where I was tied to him, to the story of being left. I also realized that I just let him leave. I never told him how much that hurt, how long it took me to get over and how very much I loved him. I needed to do that.
And I am so grateful he allowed me to do it. I felt like I unplugged some cord that was siphoning off energy every day. It takes a lot of energy to feel hurt and rejected. It takes a lot of power to hold onto that for three years...
I was terrified to ask as I had no idea how he would respond. He could have said “fuck you, never speak to me again.” He could have said, “thanks, but no thanks.” Instead, he said, “of course!”
I hadn’t really thought it all the way through, I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to say. I just knew that he had become this person that I feared, that held a lot of power over me still because I created this story where he left and I was wounded. Because he was brave enough to hear me out and I was brave enough to set aside my pride, I was able to do what I should have been able to do a long time ago - tell him how much I loved him, how much it hurt when he left, how long it took me to come to terms with his departure, how long I waited for him to come back. All of this was said without agenda, I wasn’t asking him to come back, I accepted that we were over. I just had to let him know that I cared. In our ending, he left and I let him. I didn’t tell him anything. He walked out and I pretended like it didn’t hurt. Pride taking over and preventing me from being able to really own the pain, the sadness and how very lost I felt.
This is a life long pattern for me. Someone hurting my feelings or breaking my heart, and me shutting it all down, sharing nothing and just moving on as if that person’s actions or presence meant nothing to me. I am not that person any longer. If you hurt me, I am going to let you know. If your actions intrude upon me, I am going to say something. It is amazing what giving voice to pain does to a person, instead of freaking out like I used to do, it just feels so much more reasonable.
This happened
I felt like this.
This is how I feel about what happened
How is this for you?
It seems so freaking simple but I was not able to do that before, it went like this
Something happened
I felt like this
I refused to tell you how I felt
I put up a facade that I was fine
You knew that I was not fine but couldn’t get me to admit or talk about it
I eventually blew up over some triviality later and then threw it all back at you because you forgot to turn the coffee on or spilled coffee all over the counter
It makes me sad to think about all the opportunities for connection that I missed, with Lane, with everyone! I was so desperately trying to be connected while behaving in a manner that was sure to only disconnect me from everyone, all the time.
I want to shout out to fear for again showing me where I am stuck and also courage for pushing me towards the light. I am always so willing to stay in the grey, waiting for someone else to make the bold move so I can remain safely on the sidelines risking little. Yesterday, I took a huge risk and he met me there. I am so very grateful that the man I have loved more than any other in my life was able to listen to me, hear me and we were able together to process the pain we caused each other and land in some new place that is ill defined but so much better than where we were before.
I couldn’t have done any of that without all of you. My mom for her constant support, My Tribe for knowing me and supporting me and calling me out on my shit. PC for teaching me about sowing seeds of connection vs disconnection. Pema Chodron for showing me how to walk through fear and pain. Lane for loving me enough to hear me out and for leaving me. All of you who read this blog everyday and sometimes comment and share your own pain with me. I am changed, a new, better version of myself because of all of you. I am so incredibly grateful to not have Lane be this horrible event in my life. He was transformed yesterday into a beautiful teacher and relationship that while it didn’t last a lifetime, is life lasting. In a word, healing happened for me yesterday. I feel even, clean and renewed in my willingness to keep going, keep trying to dig deeper and unearth all the dysfunction that has ruled my life for so long. As usual, it always and forever starts with me letting go and remembering
What Comes, Allow
What Leaves, Let go
What remains, Let in
What isn’t here, don’t worry about.
The pain remained...so I let it in and it changed everything for me. What came was healing and I am so grateful I was able to allow that to happen. All it took was, one more time, me getting out of my own way and claiming my rightful place in the sun.
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