Have you ever just awaken and been wholly dissatisfied with everything? Well, I am there today. I just feel empty and lost. I had an amazing vacation...if I am really honest, I didn’t want to return. To my home, my jobs, my life. I just wanted to keep going, keep finding new experiences. That is what I wanted to do...but that is not who I am. I am a person who shows up at work, does a good job and toes the line. I don’t just take off and leave, but God do I kind of want to.
What I found on the open road was a freedom that I feel is lacking in my everyday life. I felt untethered from everything, my responsibilities, my cares, my relationships, my life. It was as if I was 18 again and free to do whatever I wanted. There were moments when I just wanted to keep going and never return.
It won’t surprise you when I tell you that my re-entry to my life has been hard. I am finding myself dissatisfied and unable to really sit still. I have been slacking on my meditation and yoga routine and my daily hike is something I have kind of come to dread because it just requires too much effort.
I went to bed last night feeling lost, and numb. Like I just felt like I had this most meaningful life experience and now it all kind of feels flat.
I am tired of the virus and its limitations. I read that the 1918 pandemic lasted two years...that was a bad moment for me. Two fucking years?! I am not sure that I can deal with that...but, who can? It is what it is and there is little I can do about any of it except my attitude about it all.
I spent last evening trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why I felt so off and why all the things that had so much meaning for me, suddenly didn’t have much of any meaning at all.
I realized that when I am dependent upon new and more, there is always going to be a let down. The open road provided me new and more every day. For seven days, I got new and more every day. I was connected to my life in a moment to moment way. It opened me up in a way that I have not experienced in a while. Everything slowed way down and I was able to take pleasure in things that were simple and ordinary. So it is a bit ironic that my return to all that is ordinary would be so hard.
I think I am honestly just tired. I drove 1800 miles in seven days. I keep forgetting that I am not 30. I also realized that I need to make some changes in a few areas of my life and I am finding it hard to do that. I am finding it hard to push myself when I feel like everything is so unstable. Our leadership, our world, our government. The virus. I really don’t understand the current realities very well and this makes me want to just run away and opt out.
But I am an adult and that is not possible. I mean it is, but I am not going to just quit it all and take off to parts unknown...yet.
For today, I am going to do the things that I know provide my life meaning and structure, even though I do not want to do any of it. I know to do this because that is what has always helped bring me back to center, doing what I know to be best for me, even when I am acting like a brat and don’t want to do any of it...at all.
This is just a time, like all other times, where I am feeling less than excited about my life and my day to day. I know, from all my life experiences, that this feeling, like all other feelings, is fleeting and will change. I am going to do my best to be excited about this day right here even though there are a lot of things that I am going to be required to do today that I don’t want to do. I can and will do them and will endeavor to bring my best self to them all, even when I would rather be lost on some solitary road surrounded by redwoods and water. I am also going to plan my next getaway which should help bolster my flagging energy and commitment. I have identified that I need to be more in nature and less in this other world, so while I can’t just up and leave my life, I can make some space for my life to be lived in the wild...
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