Life.
Heavy topic.
Yesterday I was in my way. I was angry for no reason. I even yelled at the goats which is sacrilegious in my house. I just wasn’t in a good space for no good reason whatsoever. Apparently it was some sort of pall that fell over our house because my daughter was in the same funk for no reason also. We got along fine but both were just kind of done with the day by about 9 am. Is that too early to go to bed for the day?
I thought so too, so we muddled our way through until 9 pm...to everyone’s dismay.
I did make amends to the goats and took them on a long walk last evening so they are all good with my poor behavior yesterday. All is forgiven. Shit, what kind of person yells at goats???
What the hell is frisson life? Well, I am using it in contrast to abiding for a reason. Frisson means brief moment of excitement versus abiding which means a feeling or emotion that endures or lasts a long time.
I don’t know about you but I seem to have it all backwards...I tend to think that the things that make me momentarily excited are the things that I should focus my energy on while I allow other temporal things to have a lasting and enduring impact that I probably should have let go a long time ago...wrong again!
I do not know how I keep getting it all mixed up. I do not know how I get it all wrong...I do not know what the fuck I am doing. I seem hell bent on living a life that seeks these frisson moments and in that pursuit I am somehow creating an abiding dissatisfaction with the life I have. I am stymied. Seriously.
I have a great life but I am finding that I am somewhat consumed with trying to get somewhere other than where I am. What is wrong with just accepting that I am here and that is enough?
Nothing, except I don’t do it very well.
I have used lots of things to bring about momentary excitement in my life: alcohol, clothes, shoes, food, men, friends, trips while always working on the inside stuff that I know drives the consumption of the outside stuff. However, I seem unwilling or unable to really walk away from the habitual pattern of consumption as a strategy for satisfaction.
How does one go from seeking moments or situations that briefly make one happy to seeking inner states that are capable of brining a contentment and peace over time?
Fuck if I know...
Seems like I have given up so many things so many times. It is exhausting how much I have eschewed over the years...so why do I keep doing it?
Because I learn so much more from subtraction rather than addition. If I gain things, I tend to take credit. I tend to think that I am somehow in charge of it and source like in my involvement. It is this constant and persistent need to believe that I important or central to pretty much anything that has brought me endless unhappiness and strife.
Why is being right sized so hard? Why can’t I just walk in grace and be happy with that? Why am I concerned with what I am wearing, what I look like, and who is walking with me on the spiritual path? Shouldn’t I just care that I am on the path and be interested and curious about who else shows up?
Today I am very conscious of my defects, they all seem to be looming large so much so that I am sick of me. I need a vacation from me but that is impossible...so here I am trying to ventilate this great big, giant ego a bit so that I can get some peace today and not allow my need to seek frisson to fuck up my ability to find some abiding happiness. Or hell even contentment...
So I am going to keep going even though I don’t really feel like it today. I am tired, think I have a sinus infection in the works and feel pretty much like the only abiding feeling in my life is dissatisfaction with what is...
But that is where I am today. And I can be honest about it even though it isn’t particularly flattering. It is where I am...again...still. Fuck.
I am going to endeavor to stay out of my own way today. To allow grace to enter and provide me some respite from my constant and pervasive need to seek frisson over abiding. I am likely going to fail so I will just try to stay awake enough to notice it all and try to stop weaving it into a story where I suck. Wish me luck...I am not off to a good start here!
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