Last night I went to Santa Barbara and had dinner with a friend. We sat outside the restaurant and it was so good. It was nice to get out of the house and it was nice to see people. Next time, I want to try actually dining inside, on real plates...
We then walked up state street and got ice cream. It was a little surreal. State street is closed to cars now and there are just people out there. People eating, talking, walking. There were people playing music and there were people dancing. Most people had on masks, but some did not. It was wonderfully weird.
I saw humans connecting with other humans. It was lovely to watch, almost as lovely as it was to connect with other humans myself.
I am feeling that now...in a way that I never have before. This desire to touch and be touched. Not necessarily in a sexual way...although, I am not going to lie, that would be nice too. But just touch. I have never spent much time thinking about how much I need touch. I need to reach out and hold another and be held. I think because I have always had the ability, without restraint, I took it for granted. Like I did so very many things in my life.
I saw people touching last night in some pretty reserved ways. It wasn’t a hugfest on state street. But there were people emotionally connecting with each other and that was lovely to observe and also to participate in.
I have no idea what the world will look like in the coming days. But it was life affirming last night to see souls in each other’s presence and basking in the mutual glow.
It was a real life contrast to how I have tried to live my life. I have always been the Queen of self-sufficiency. I thought that this life’s journey was to need no one and do it all myself. That probably more than any other thought I have ever had, has robbed me of the gift of connection. We hear a lot of talk today about co-dependency and its related perils. And allowing someone else to control or dominate your life is not really healthy. However, being independent to a fault is unhealthy as well.
The pandemic and my time inside has given me the gift of insight. I can see that there is a middle path between completely depending on others for my wellbeing and going it solo and without a net. I can see that my most true and honest desire is to allow the interdependence that already exists to just be as it is and embrace that.
I need people. No matter what. I do. All those years of pretending I didn’t was just folly and were the main reason I was alone. It was a self fulfilling prophesy...if you treat others like they aren’t important to you, cast them as extras in your life, guess what? You can spend a lot of time trying to connect but failing every single time.
Today, I want to connect and I can. I have the skill set. This time within has shown me how to do it with myself. So now that the world is re-opening I can practice doing it with others. I feel very blessed for my time within and equally blessed to have begun the re-entry.
No one knows what that will look like. No one knows if the virus will kill more or recede. We all just have this one moment right here. I am going to choose to nourish the things I learned in my 100+ days of solitude...
What comes, allow
What leaves, let go
What remains, let in
What is not present, don’t worry about
I am going to allow my own personal re-entry to be divinely guided. To trust the process and the path. I am going to enjoy the down time while it still exists and walk in nature as much as I can. I am going to cherish the reconnection process and soak it all in. I am going to do my best to share what I have learned about me during my time inside myself. And to touch and hold those whose presence in my life I am honored to behold. I am going to allow my re-entry to be all about love, connection and living. I have wasted far too much time on lesser things in this life.
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