So yesterday I hit it.
It felt like I slammed into it suddenly. But upon reflection, I was moving toward it all weekend. So it should have come as no surprise when I hit it yesterday, I had been driving toward it for a few days.
Of course, I am not talking about an actual wall. It is the metaphorical wall that slammed me pretty good yesterday.
I have been in an almost constant state of motion since the whole pandemic started. Work was nuts in the beginning. My home life was busy with homeschooling and pets. I was content to stay home and busied myself around my home and yard. I mean I really busied myself and was successful in keeping the emotional deluge at bay.
Yesterday I seemed to have no amount of busyness or work or activity that could hold off my emotions.
It all came crashing down when I read on Facebook that a friend’s mom died suddenly Sunday night. It was not COVID-19 related. I just started crying and couldn’t stop. Just thinking about her pain this morning returns the tears. I didn’t know her mom well and only met her a few times but I was washed out with the emotional rawness of the loss. How much in this most uncertain time that now my friend’s rock and confidant was gone. I cried for her, for her family. And then I cried for myself and I wasn’t even sure why. I just felt this pent up emotional avalanche that I no longer had the strength to hold back.
I reached out to my friend and left her a message. Just letting her know that I care and that I am here for whatever she might need. Knowing as I left the message that there is nothing that I can do to help, there are no words or actions that can alleviate her suffering. She, like everyone else, just has to walk through the grief, pain and sadness until it dissipates. But that is going to take some time.
So I awoke this morning feeling down. Sad. Bereft. Lost. I have no idea what I believe anymore. No idea what I am doing. I feel like the whole world has gone mad. Truth is something that has been sold to the highest bidder and reality has been forever compromised. I can’t seem to get my bearings. I don’t even know what I am doing anymore.
So perhaps the wall hit me, or I hit it. I guess it doesn’t really matter. I now stand at the bottom of it, unable to climb over it, go around it or really even deal with it. So I guess today I am just going sit beside it and let it be there. The wall of grief, loss and sadness. For my friend. For myself. For us all. Today I do not feel hopeful and that is ok. Today I am scared and lost and worried about how to go on from here. Today, I seem to have no other choice than to just accept that is my reality. That is my truth and that truth is super inconvenient.
I am positive by nature. But today I am circling the drain. I will do all the things I know to do to get myself through the day. I am going to send love and light to my friend who is suffering. I am going to send love to her family and all the people affected by this most sudden loss. I am going to do my best to take care of myself today and not try to do too much. This is not a permanent condition, it is just my current emotional state and right now there is nothing I can do other than accept it and do my best to take it easy and allow myself to just be fucked up today while being careful not to wallow in it.
The wall is blessedly not permanent. I have not been forever relocated here. I am just visiting and it will pass. I will find the energy and strength to move on, around the wall that currently blocks me. And I will do my best to know that like everything in this life, my current emotional state is temporary. As is my life. Since I am today acutely aware of how tenuous a grasp we all have on life, I am going to do my best to appreciate it all, even the wall....despite how much I hate hitting it.
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