I now start every morning debating myself as to what day it is...
Today is Thursday!
Wait
Is it?
What was yesterday?
Shit, I don’t even know...
I think it is Wednesday?
Fuck, does it even really matter?
My life is now more aptly characterized by
Am I working all day or not?
That is really the more important question as opposed to what day it actually is...
I have a routine for work days and non-work days. Actually they are pretty much the same to start and really only differ in what I do in the after 9 am...
I am still getting up early. For a little while there in the beginning of everything being weird and different, I needed a lot more sleep so I just let myself have it. It wasn’t like me being up at 4 am made any real difference. I no longer had an hour commute to get to work every morning so I decided to spend the extra time sleeping. After a little while, I realized that getting up at 6:30 or 7 just didn’t work for me. I woke up feeling like I was behind and couldn’t shake that feeling all day. I KNOW I am a freak!
So whether it is a work day or non-work day, my mornings begin with my internal debate as to what day it is (I rarely get it right). Then I stumble to the kitchen to imbibe my mental fog lifting cup of Joe. I let the dog out. I go find her in the backyard a few minutes later to usher her back inside (this is at her insistence and my irritation). I grab my computer and I return to bed to write.
When I am done writing. I have a couple spiritual books I read to refocus my intentions for the day, I meditate. I yoga. I hike with the dog. I take my daughter to take care of her horse.
So this is how my day begins every single day...regardless of whether it is Tuesday or Sunday.
If this is the case, why do I begin every day with “what the hell day is it today?”
I think really, for me, the daily check in about whether it is Wednesday or Saturday or Monday really has resulted in being a daily sanity check. Like if I can still remember what day it is then I am ok. This is a fallacy...but still I persist.
I think that I believe that being able to figure out what day it is provides me some tether to my old life where I always knew what day it was. I was acutely aware of time and of being on my way to work or own my way to something funner. Now, my morning check in regarding orientation to time has kind of become my own mental status examination:
What is my general physical appearance?
Well, kind of depends on the morning...
How is my Mood and Affect?
I awaken pretty much every day in a good space. It is usually sometime after the cup of coffee that irritation, fear, excitement, anticipation or boredom come join me for their cup of coffee...
What is my level of consciousness and awareness?
I will admit, some days I am pretty good upon awakening, some days it takes a little longer. I have on more than one occasion forgot to actually place my cup of coffee under the Keurig...those are not good starts to my day. Most days I am conscious and pretty aware.
What is my motor and speech activity?
Slow and almost non-existence. Sometimes the dog and I do have a nice chat on the way to the kitchen...most of the time we both just kind of shuffle along and are pretty quiet about it.
How are my thought and perceptions?
I think I kind of nail this one every day! I wake up without a writing topic and sometimes, often before my feet even hit the floor, it comes to me. Regardless, from the time I awaken to the time I return to my bed, coffee and computer in hand, dog let out and in, I have summoned up a topic for today’s blog. So I am going to give myself an A+ on this one. I will fully admit that some days my topics are better than others but I always come up with one.
How is my attitude and insight?
See above comment. Same analysis. Most days I have a great attitude and can be relied upon to be positive, upbeat and generally happy about the state of things. Even when things kind of suck, I can usually find something to be grateful for. I do a gratitude list every single day, 12 things I am grateful for, I do believe that this is the foundation of being able to see the good in the day rather than all the minor irritations and annoyances that are part and parcel to daily living.
What is the reaction evoked in the examiner?
I kind of marvel at myself most days. I have this kind of bemused detachment with myself. I watch my thoughts and how they spin and it often makes me laugh. Sometimes out loud. So I think the examiner and I get along pretty well and I am not, most of the time, invoking hatred, loathing, fear or concern in my internal examiner.
Finally, how are my higher cognitive abilities?
Which is where I try to figure out what day it really is, why this is so hard for me every day, whether I will get it right today and why I care so much if it really doesn’t matter anymore.
I guess my morning quest to ascertain what day it really is, is my own daily check in to how my life has always been. There has never been a time other than very early childhood where the day didn't matter as much as now. In some ways it is a return to the freedom of childhood, where every day was the same, it just mattered whether you were going swimming or not. I am kind of there again. Returned to a peaceful abiding in my life where only the mind I wake up with everyday is disturbed by my lack of clarity as to what day it actually is...I kind of like feeling 4 again...yet at the same time, the adult in me needs to know whether it is Tuesday or Friday. Like somehow in knowing that, I am ok. Not really reality, I know, but it is how I am coping right now.
So I am going to move on through my morning routine...Happy Thursday everybody!
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