I have a history of being sick for Thanksgiving. Like almost every year since I was a kid. It happens to be my favorite holiday and also my birthday. To say that I was upset last night when I tested positive for COVID...again, was an understatement. I am not happy and in fact a little despondent about it all.
The good news is that I do not feel as badly as I did earlier this year when I was knocked out of commission for almost a month. So there is that to be grateful for...
I do not do sick well. It feels so much like my old behavior when I was drinking. I used to have "stuck-to-my-bed days" and now whenever I am sick, that is how I feel. Like I am fucking up my life. I know that there is a difference between being hung over and being sick, intellectually. But emotionally the two are intertwined and I cannot separate fact from fiction.
The other good news is that I do not feel as sick as I did before and that I am well vaccinated so I am hoping that this is over soon and Thanksgiving can move forwarded as planned. We are supposed to be hosting my family and my boyfriend’s family and I was so looking forward to it. I pray that we are all better and that can still happen. But I also know that COVID and God often have other ideas about things.
I am grateful that other than missing my commitment this morning, that I will be able to honor the other ones. I feel terrible at canceling things. Again, too much of me feeling like my past is back to haunt me.
I am going to do my best today to take care of myself, my boyfriend and my daughter while also meeting my pet care responsibilities of my own and for the friend whose house I am caretaking until Saturday. I am grateful I feel well enough to do that and that I don’t feel like I did last year when I just couldn’t have managed any of that.
I am not sure why the universe thinks that me being sick again for Thanksgiving is a good idea. But my reality is that this is what seems to happen for me every year and there doesn’t appear to be much I can do about it.
I am going to try to keep a positive attitude and not make things worse by terriblizing everything. Even though that is how I feel. As always, things could be worse. And for today, I am grateful for the circumstances of my life...even COVID because what choice do I really have?
Like everything else in life, I have a choice about so little...but my attitude is one of those things that I can control. And even though I am bummed at having COVID (again) I am grateful that it isn’t worse and that I can do my part to keep others safe by just staying home.
Not the Thanksgiving that I want to have...but it may be the one that I am having. Sigh.
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