I was at the gym last night, as I am most nights of the week, and I was doing my workout when I felt this rush, of what I will call, gratitude. I just felt like I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I should be doing. It occurred to me that I tried to have this kind of routine for decades. But I was largely and squarely in my way, a lot. I was great at starting exercise routines, and I was shitty at keeping them. The slightest derailment and off I would go for months or years. Only to begin again at some later time. With renewed vigor and commitment...only to repeat the whole process again, later.
As I ran through my workout routine last night, I inquired, of myself, “when did it change?” And “how did it change?”
I know it is recovery. But I have had that for a long time and still wasn’t able to do the stuff, everyday, day in and day out. I was committed, for fits and starts, but I would easily get sidetracked and waylaid. And then abandon whatever the fuck I was doing, only to return to it months or years later to begin once more.
It isn’t just working out that I have developed a consistency with, it is everything really. I meditate, I pray, I do spiritual readings every day, I inventory, I work, I work out, I hike. The only thing I have been struggling with maintaining lately is yoga...and I am not sure why that is. But I used to struggle with all of the above. And I could never, ever do consistently half, or even a quarter of what I do today.
I pondered this as I lifted heavy shit repeatedly. The thought also occurred to me that it was odd I now have this capacity when I am the least controlling I have ever been in my life. I used to have things way more locked down and controlled. Today, I don’t stress as much and my schedule is the most flexible it has ever been. It is like I found consistency in the least likely place of all: in the abandonment of my own rigidity.
Such a strange place to hide consistency really, right underneath all the parts of me that demanded it. So strange that when I became more flexible and open, consistency appears to have just flowed in quite naturally and without all the effort, deciding, committing and scheduling.
It used to be that if I missed the window I had allotted something, it was shot for the day. There was no time or way I was going to do something out of its time slot. Today, I have a loose schedule but it doesn’t matter if I go to the gym at 4 or 5 or 6. I will go, almost without fail.
And within this consistency I have found a gentleness that was absent before. There are the rare occasions where I am fighting a cold or am just tired. Before I would have insisted that I “power through!” And if I didn’t power onward then I would just forget the whole endeavor. It was all or nothing, always and forever. And those are really hard timelines to live by as it turns out.
I have abandoned those in favor of something more flexible like some over nothing, right now over always. And it seems as though that has made all of this movement towards consistency possible for me.
Writing is another example. I tried to write daily for years but I couldn’t do it. And now, I get up every day and do it without thinking about it. It is just what I do. And I am protective of this time for me and tapping out my thoughts and heart and soul. But in that, I can also be flexible, somedays I miss it but I am back at it the next day.
I can tell you I lived the whole of my life trying to become this person. And I tried everything. But my life has always been ruled by how I feel, and when you live life like that, it is a hard existence because, I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like doing most of this shit, often.
But somehow in this life where I stay sober one day at at time, where I move forward without rigidity and demand, I am able to accomplish shit that I could not before. It is like consistency is the prize for letting go. That is how it feels. At some point, I just began to release all of the shit I thought I knew and all the demands I placed upon myself, and somehow the result has been this life that I accomplish feats daily that stymied me for, well, decades.
There have been some casualties along the way. My house is messier, though I can tell you that you would likely not notice it, but I do. My laundry is not done always on Sundays. My towels are not washed on Mondays like they were for decades. I don’t go grocery shopping on the same day and I will admit that I often don’t go at all, opting instead to have Target deliver it to me and save the time and the effort.
So strange me releasing my tight death grip on me, my life and my time has resulted in me finding the consistency and sticktoitiveness that I lacked all my life. So life like to hide the thing we seek most right underneath the shit that we are sure isn’t worthwhile or right.
So one more time it is in forgetting I am found. It is in letting go that I gain consistency to do the things in this life that matter to me. I have time for all this life affirming shit today because I released, not doubled down. And I know that I owe it all to recovery, without that I would have nothing, literally. Today the life I have and enjoy (and I really do enjoy the fuck out of it most of the time) is because I am sober and do a few simple acts repeated over time. And in that consistency, I have gained access to so much more.
I am not disciplined. But I have aligned my will with God’s will for me, and attempt to do that every day when I wake up, and the pay off has been that I am so much more comfortable in my skin and life is so much enjoyable even when doing things that I would prefer not to be doing. I can get out of my own way and just do them anyway.
Sometimes life brings you miracles of great proportion and magnitude, and sometimes life just brings you tiny miracles of routine and dedication that when played out over time allow you to enjoy a life that is full of a lot of really good shit.
One of the best byproducts I have gained in my sobriety is the ability to not have it all go my way, and be ok and enjoy my life anyway...more on that tomorrow. For today, I am awed and amazed at how much letting go and willingness to align my will has resulted in a consistently good life.
Again...still.
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