I have been to New York so many times. When I was younger, and lived in DC, we used to come up every year for New Year’s Eve in the village. So. Much. Fun!
I left the East Coast in 2001, on the heels of 9/11. And I haven’t been back to NYC since. Today, we will go pay homage and respect to all of those who lost their lives that day. I have mixed feelings. I find myself forcing myself to find some willingness to feel this loss...because I do not want to be reminded. But that day shaped all of us forever. We have never been the same and cannot begin to think about what the world might be like, if people like that hadn’t thought thoughts like that which begat actions that killed so many.
So it is a kind of somber reminder of who I was before that day, and who I have become after. I was in DC the day the plane hit the first tower, on my way to work. The second plane hit shortly after I arrived at my office. I can remember the bewilderment. I just didn’t have the capacity to fathom what the fuck was going on.
I grew that capacity on that day and have had it ever since.
Man’s cruelty and hatred of other man is something all of us came to know that day. The extreme lengths someone would go to in order to spread their hatred and rhetoric...not only fathomable, but real and present in every moment thereafter.
I know kind of a hard topic on this day of peace and celebration...but what I learned that day was that life is never all good or all bad. Some amazing things happened on 9/11. Humanity rose up and enveloped NYC, DC and Pennsylvania. There was care, concern, love and understanding in ways there just weren’t moments before the unthinkable occurred.
It feels right to go there today...so many years later and see what humanity did with tragedy and loss. To see other’s examples of what one can turn pain, loss, heartbreak and grief into in this life. To stand and bear witness to those that vanished from this world all too quickly. And to be thankful for all the lovely souls who remain.
What I have learned in this life is that I am a vessel capable of holding a great many conflicting emotions. I can be angry, and not act out. I can be overwhelmed and find peace. I can be upset and not lash out at others. I can even hate, and know that the parts of me that hate, don't have to be expressed in this world. Hate is something for me to take to God and ask for help finding out the why and the how and what to do with horrible feelings like that.
And I have learned that at the very same time I am holding difficult and hard emotions, I can also hold love, forgiveness and peace. I can walk through this life, divided and it will not kill me. I have learned that if I am living, I am always going to be in this place where I must carry the hard and the wonderful. The happy and the sad. The elation and the defeat. I am a human being capable of holding the full range of emotions.
So today as we venture out to explore this amazing, convoluted city, that is awash with glory and decay, I get to show my daughter what this place is all about and we will endeavor to venture out with love and peace and understanding in our hearts and minds.
If there is a city in the world capable of teaching this lesson, it is here, in this mad city, where there is so much wealth, culture and vistas while also having so much grit, hardship and poverty. New York is a city that lives the human condition in every breath. Holding back nothing. Allowing for the best and worst of humanity to be present and co-mingled every day.
I pray that all of you have a very Merry Christmas! That you are surrounded by those you love and like. That you feel the love I have for you, the sincere desire for you to love fully, to enjoy your life, and when presented with hardship and defeat, you too are able to alter that into something positive and healing. We humans are manufacturers of misery and joy. It really is about how we look at and what we do with the things that happen to us along the way. I pray that today you decide to manufacture joy, appreciation, love, forgiveness and peace to all you encounter.
Merry Christmas one and all.
Again...still.
Comments