Wow, I have done that a lot. Ideas. Men. Clothes. Things. People. Friends. Pets. The good news is that there are a lot of shiny things in my life. The bad news is that I have this tendency to leave that which is no longer shiny.
I have been working on this. Repeatedly. Not leaving the things that are lacking luster. Holding stead with the things and people in my life. However, recently, there have been some tremors. And I have been so tempted to run down some new shiny shit.
And I have, and I haven’t.
There are a lot of moving parts in my life right now. It is all being reorganized and it isn’t really happening in my way and manner. Things and people are being rearranged and it is painful. Letting go is hard and I sometimes feel like I am barely holding on.
I have hurt people without meaning. Sometimes I feel like I have so many words to express how I feel. But really, right now, I am mostly at a loss for words. I do not know what to say, so I say nothing. I do not know how to explain what I am growing through, so I stay silent and hold the only countenance that I know...my own.
I have long conversations with myself, my sponsors and God. Not at the same time, mind you. Well maybe that isn’t true. I feel like I am in this ecstatic communion with the universe really.
What I am realizing is that we are all going through stuff. And our abilities to be present for each other is often compromised in the present moment. People I love, and care for deeply, are being rearranged, and that conjures up in me a strong desire to chase shiny shit down. I am doing my best to just sit still and wait. And when I can no longer do that, I go to the beach, or write, or walk for miles and miles consumed with thoughts of God and others and, far too often, myself.
I think I might always have the desire to chase the shiny shit down. But the older I get, the more I am able to just sit still. Trust that all that is meant for me will come, and all that is not, will not. And my desire, my need, my compulsion to chase down shit that is just not meant for me, is the root of all my suffering...always.
What I am left today is this wish for all I love and care for, to include myself:
May we be happy.
May we feel joy.
May we be well.
May we be comforted in our grief.
May those we love be well.
May we be relieved from suffering and the causes for suffering.
May we be free.
May we know that love exists even with space and distance.
Namaste
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