Cat Energy...

You know what I am talking about, whether you love them or hate them, everyone has to at least somewhat admire the energy of a cat.  They walk into a room, well they sashay into a room, and are like, “hmmmm, what can I fuck up or eat in here?  Nah?  Well, you are lucky to have me...”

I want this kind of energy.  No matter how much they fuck up, eat shit, barf on the carpet, the self esteem of a cat is truly a force to be reckoned with.

One of my cats can clear the table, leap into the air three times, thereby knocking over twenty seven other things and break countless objects and turn and look at me as if I had something to do with it.  My son actually used to do this as well.

Why is it we humans are so plagued by the narcissists in our lives but love our cats who behave in much the same way?  The fact that I have multiple cats should send me rushing to my therapist, at once.  And, well, it does.  She has no answers for me, only head shakes and deep sighs about cats and numerous other things.

I guess what I am really talking about is the unconditional positive regard cats seem to have for themselves.  They never doubt their actions, motives or end results.  They are just like, “well, that didn’t go as planned, oh well, you are better for my presence in your life.”

I want that kind of self confidence.  I want to take up the space I should in my life.  I always feel like I am apologizing for my own existence.  I celebrated a big milestone recently and felt very uncomfortable celebrating it.  I mean, I wanted to, but then I felt like I was being too egoistical.  Like I shouldn’t celebrate because well, that would be taking up too much time and space.  

I realized on my last adventure, I worry about this a lot in my life.  I talk quickly so I can get the words out before someone cuts me off, I am conscientious about how much I say because I don’t want to hog the social scene.  I apologize when I run into...chairs or other inanimate objects.

It has landed for me that I have some work to do on the whole self esteem department...this might be why I envy cats their complete aloofness and IDGAF cattitude.

I guess the only issue is I am not sure how to heal this in me.  I worry so much about being an arrogant ass.  Where is the balance between feeling like you don’t deserve the space you exist in and “not only do I deserve to be here, you are lucky to have me?”  And I really don’t want to find balance in this area the way I usually find any kind of balance:  wide swings from one area to the other until I wear myself out.

I guess I have to start with, perhaps, some sort of daily mantra that helps me see that I am a person and have all the needs, issues, dreams, wishes and hardships that other people (cats included) do as well.  I am not better but also no worse.  Perhaps the most spiritual thing I can do each day is to show up for the life I have and live it to the best of my ability without apologizing to chairs for my audacity to run into them.  My consummate politeness is wearing thin, even for me.  I see how much this tendency in me is hurting me...I don’t say anything because I don’t want to be impolite and in so doing sign up for a whole lotta shit that I don’t want and isn’t ok with me.

As usual, it all starts and ends with me.  I would love, just once, to have someone call me out for something and not spend the rest of my life second guessing myself and my entire existence.  Really, I am not kidding.  I am still reliving arguments with myself over shit people called me out for in like second grade.  I know, I know, let it fucking go!  But, I have and that shit grows back overnight and I have to do it all again...still.

So today I am going to try my best to channel cat energy and not feel like my existence on this planet is so tenuous and capricious.  That perhaps you are lucky to have me...after all?

(That made me cringe to say...)

I am not sure how this all shakes out, I just know it is my work to do and when all is said and done, I am not going to spend anymore of my life hiding under the metaphorical bed every time the door bell rings.  For that, I want dog energy...”YAY!!!! Someone has come to see me!  Maybe they are going to take me to the beach!”

And luckily for me, I have both examples living right beside me so if I am veering too much one way or another I have good living breathing examples to help me course correct...

True Confession: the cats out number the dog 7:1.  And I don’t even want to think about what that means...