I did several hard things yesterday. It started with getting out of bed at 4 am on a Saturday. But that was the time required to get up early, write, and get to the horse show on time. And if I am honest, getting out of bed at all these last few days has been a struggle. But I know if I refused even one day, my life would just get harder and I would have to worked even harder to dig myself out of this emotional hole.
I had to leave the horse show between events to see a friend get married. It was a beautiful day and the perfect day for a beach wedding. My friend looked absolutely beautiful. She and her now husband, so happy surrounded by all their friends, kids and family. It was such a lovely event.
It was also hard for me. I was forced to sit with my past and all its finished-unfinishedness in a couple of relationships. It was painful and because I do awkward so well, I made it worse. I did the best I could really. I cried all the way back to the horse show. Being able to pull myself together in time to return to the show not in complete shambles.
I am not sure if it was the wedding (they always make me cry), the recent past confronted, the losses I feel on so many levels or my life as it unfolds today. Regardless, I was kind of a mess.
See it all feels like it is failing. Me. My life. My relationships. My ability to cope. I have cried more in the last month than I have in a decade. And I hate crying. I am not and have never been a crier, even as a little kid. I think I was before the age of 4, but after, nope. I just got angry.
I can see now I am getting to sad, which is mostly what I think I have felt all this time. Sure, anger was a part of the betrayals, the losses, the failures and the misses, but it was all really and fundamentally fueled by an abject feeling of loss and powerlessness. And if those two don’t get you fuming, nothing will.
I called a girlfriend on the way back to the show because I was just outta my mind. Driving and crying. I am so grateful to her for answering and then listening to me wail and cry and just be so abjectly sad and hurt and a little pissed.
I told her that I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and it really only feels that way because the delusion that I am in control is eroding a little more. That is all that is really happening. My idea that I am in charge of any of this is falling away a little more, granting me access to this different version of life, where I am not in charge, I am not responsible for so much of it. Life happens. I move forward and onward (fonward to those that know) realizing that even though I have desperately tried, I am really not in charge of much of any of it.
I went back to the horse show and saw my daughter and her horse have an absolutely beautiful ride. They were like the wind whipping around the course, leaping through the air, flying. It was magical. Both horse and girl were so happy, they flew across the last jump and I am not sure either has landed still. It was spectacular to watch. And I don’t know if you have ever seen a horse beam...but I did yesterday. Definitely a life experience worth having.
And as I drove home in the setting sun, the warmth of day giving way to the chill of night, I watched the mountains turn pale and pink, and then fade into grey. And I remembered that this life, this messy, tangled, hurtful, difficult, real life is the most amazing gift. I am here getting to experience it all. And while yesterday was hard for a number of reasons, it was also beautiful.
I think I always learn that life will always require a balance of the good and the bad. But each time my life becomes mired in the bad, I find myself pretty amazed at this whole concept again, feeling like for the first time.
Perhaps one day I will sit somewhere in the middle, being able to hold my center but so far I tend to be someone easily moved to the extremes. For now, it appears my tendency to move from one extreme to the other is all about breaking down and being cracked open. It isn’t fun. And I would really prefer just being happy all the time. But, that would not be living and that would not be all that I think it would if it were even achievable.
I wish I didn’t have to be the kind of person that has to be broken in order to heal but that is just my experience...perhaps I am more horse like than I give myself credit for...I was wholly unmanageable or trainable until and unless I was broken.
I am grateful for the moment driving home last night where the pain felt better washed against the backdrop of a setting sun over mountains, by the slight chill in the air, by the music playing on the radio. It was just a moment, but it reminded me that I have a good life. I am surrounded by loving people. I get to do all of this...again, still.
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