I wrote something about dating a few days ago, relating my struggles to connect and to stay true to what I want and how much I feel like I am spinning my wheels. In this article, I outlined that I was the problem. A couple of people commented words of solidarity. Then there was one from an old friend that smacked of superiority, condescension and virtue signaling. It pissed me off. Like a lot.
This very same person called me awhile back and spent over an hour going on and on about his recent breakup and heartache. I listened. I didn’t comment or make any suggestions as to what he could do differently. I just listened. His longer term relationship ended with a thud and I didn’t point out anything. Instead, I listened and did my best to be a friend, even though the friendship we shared was literally two decades ago. Today, it is a threadbare acquaintance that felt overly used during this lengthy conversation that was very one sided.
So to get a comment to my post where I was calling myself out about my own dysfunctional dating strategies from this very same person, felt shitty. And uncalled for...and hypocritical. He is now, thanks to the apps, happily partnered off again. In what one can only call a rapid succession from his last relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I remain happy for him and glad the apps work for him. I am happy he so easily finds a partner and is able to enjoy a relationship with someone. I want that for everyone, all the time.
But some of us struggle. For some of us, it is not easy. It isn’t like we hop on the app for a month and then are sweetly paired off with someone who lights us up in all the ways. Some of us, really struggle with connection...some because they connect too easily and get their heartbroken by players that are only playing. And then there are the others of us who desire connection and commitment but it terrifies us on a level that creates this very strong urge to run screaming from the room. And then, there are those of us who just don’t connect easily or often with others on a level with any depth and weight.
I wrote about my struggles because I know I am not the only one. I am NOT the only person who has a hard time finding anyone worthy of a deeper dive. And by saying that I do not mean that others are not worthy, I believe everyone is worthy of a true, right, big, life altering love, but that there are a lot of people out there pretending to be ready, pretending to be something they aren’t and it takes a lot of energy and wherewithal to keep slogging through the masses searching for someone who lights you up in all the ways one should be lit the fuck up. And to have that person be able to really be who they say they are.
I resent his commentary. I did not say anything to him or re-comment on his comment because I didn’t want to get into it with him. Clearly from his comment, he feels superior and like he has it all figured out. Good for him. I mean that, I guess, sort of. I do not and did not need his judgment or words of advice from someone who just recently was more lost and bereft than I. But it continued to vex me all day yesterday so it is today’s topic for my own wellbeing. This whole process of getting it out of my head and heart and depositing here so that it kills me a little less and perhaps, maybe, helps someone else.
I do not share all the shit I do because I want you to know me. I do it because I am afraid of not saying it. I am so often stuck behind the icy wall of intellectualism and the inherent safety overthinking provides. I share my failures, successes, happiness, joys, pains, sorrows and losses to get them out of my head and also because maybe someone else might suffer similarly and I would like my experience to be a source of comfort and solace in a hard time.
I do not like sharing some of my more difficult truths. And on days when I feel over served by misunderstanding and the ever popular “so sad for you, but cheer up there is hope, don’t be a cynic” it fucking pisses me off. Fuck, have you read anything I wrote? Have you looked at the body of my work? Yes, there is cynicism, fuck are you living in 2025? The world is crazy. If you aren’t a tad bit cynical, then you aren’t paying attention!
However, I write about love and hope and resiliency and never giving up. I write about how hard that is some days and how fucking easy it is others. I write about recovery and redemption and second chances. So please do not warn me about becoming a cynic. I get it, fuck, I know it and I work every mother fucking day to NOT become consumed by the sad, ever worsening world we live in.
I know this is my fault. I am the one that puts it out there. I am bound to get some comments that misrepresent and misunderstand my message. And I feel the need to address that here so that I can make my self clear.
I think online dating sucks. Always have and always will.
However, I have used it to attempt to find connection with some marginal success. And I call it marginal because that is how it feels to me. This is my experience, this is my life. This is how I am living it.
I think online dating has become a necessary evil in today’s world and I think it is harming us more than it is helping us. This is my opinion and I am entitled to hold it. I am so happy other people use it to find love and connection and sex and whatever the fuck else they are looking for. I am not speaking for those people, I am speaking for the many others that find it lacking, wanting and wholly fucked.
I believe in love and loving. I keep trying to evince that belief.
I do not have the answers, and am not really even sure of the questions most of the time. I share my confusion because I know I am not the only that feels this way. And I think it takes a lot of bravery to continue to show up and try. And fail. And try again. I want to be a source of support in the trenches of online dating, recovery, hell just living.
I am appropriately cynical. And I am also appropriately hopeful. I have done the work to be able to hold both sentiments. I am not all hard and dystopic and I am not all blissed out. I vacillate between the extremes while attempting to parent, work and stay sober, every single day.
I guess this is a long way to say that I felt attacked and misunderstood. And as a writer, that feels particularly bad. I mean, I write to provide meaning and context, so when what I have shared gets twisted into something that feels weaponized against me, that feels pretty shitty.
Now, I know that he didn’t mean to wound with his words. He isn’t that kind of person. He is a good man. But he too suffers from the delusion that he knows shit. I am happy he is contently partnered off again. I hope he finds everything he could ever want, I could just do without all the virtue signaling since he just called me a month ago all fucked up and broken too. We are all working on ourselves the best we can. Some days there is much forward progress and somedays it feels like we will never even get out of the starting gate. That is what it is to be human. Sometimes we are killing it and sometimes we are the ones getting slayed. And to rise every fucking day to do it again is a kind of heroism that isn't celebrated enough in my opinion.
Life is hard. Loving is hard. But both are worth the effort expended. Both are worth examining some of our larger handicaps and dealing with them in an effort to evolve beyond our current limitations. Some of us have an easier time with this than others. And instead of giving holier than thou speeches, perhaps maybe some kind words of support would land a little better than commentaries that signal that you don’t understand one thing I said.
I hate being misunderstood and perhaps I didn’t do a good job of communicating, which, as a writer, is a failure on my part. But I also hate hypocrisy and until you have been happily partnered for thirty years, I don’t want to hear your judgment. You don’t, my friend, have it all figured out, and your high horse isn’t all that high. You yourself just fell from grace less than two months ago. So maybe just take few steps back from the pretension and have a little compassion. And if that is what you were trying to do, re-read what you wrote and see how you would like someone saying what you said to you.
I KNOW I AM THE PROBLEM! I KNOW IT IS AN INSIDE JOB!
I write about these facts every day. You pointing them out the way you did just felt shitty and mean and I know you aren’t that person. So why did ya do it?
My guess is that it is just another flagrant fact of being human, we are always in a struggle of the haves and the have nots. And when you get yourself over to the haves side of things, you have to do all you can to tell yourself that you are so happy to be where you are, and to feel just a bit smug about it. Even though the fact you are there at all is all about grace and has very little to do with your actual merit.
I am grateful for the struggle. I am learning lots about me, about life, about love, about relationships and how I am show up for all of it. And most days, I do an ok job. And other days, I do not. Regardless I share it all because I do not have it all figured out. And I want others to know that so that they can feel less lost, less lonely, less fucked up...and that is the entire point of this whole deal. To share my experience, strength and hope so that perhaps just one other person suffers a little less.
I am aware that sharing less would make me look better. But I do not want to look better, I want to actually BE better. So I keep trying. I am gonna keep going...
Again, still.
Thanks for the therapy as they say...
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