I am not even sure where to begin on this one. The Channel Islands have long been a place I ran away to. When things got to be too much for me here on the mainland, I would take off for a day of hiking solo to regroup. I have gone out there a couple of times with others, but mostly it has been a solo thing for me.
Yesterday, I was invited with some friends to go with them on their boat. I rearranged my whole day to make that happen. Thankfully my mom is so chill and didn’t mind me rescheduling her birthday lunch. I know, I know, I am an asshole. But she said she didn’t mind and my mom will tell me the truth, even if it is hard. So I can count on when she says, “go!” I go.
The weather was pretty perfect for the last day of November. I mean, pretty fucking perfect that we could go out on a 4 hour boat ride in November and not freeze our asses off. It was one of those days where I saw God everywhere.
I think that is why I love the islands so much. Everything is stripped away. Everything is simpler, more primal. And because of that my experience with the Divine is more direct. I feel God's presence everywhere and sometimes I just really need that.
Don’t get me wrong, I feel God’s presence in my life every day. I make a huge effort every morning to connect up and I am thankful for another day sober at day’s end. It is in the middle where I get a little lost...Erin and her mighty will take over and I forget that all of this life I am living is a bonus for a woman who should be dead a million times over. I forget that this life I have today is all bonus time.
But out there I remember who I am and why I am here. I was not sobered up just to give me this great life. I am supposed to live this great life because I am supposed to show others how it happens and what they have to do to get there. I am here to be an example...and often a warning. I would have thought that I would be more example and less warning by now...but it is what it is, I suppose.
It was a magical day.
The word Anacapa (anyapax in Chumash) means mirage or illusion. Often the island appears distorted from the mainland due to weather conditions. And yesterday, as we moved around the island, I was stuck by how quickly the island changes in a appearance. How much one moment of time and weather, alters the landscape in front of your eyes. And similarly, I am struck my how often my own inner “weather” changes my own perception of reality and my own landscape.
My mind is this amazing thing that keeps me breathing and living. It also creates some absolute insanity that isn’t even marginally based on fact. Just wild, untamed fears that run rampant through my head and then send shockwaves through my life because I create realities from the shit that is manufactured inside my mind. I move closer to people or further away based on what I think. And what I think creates what I feel, so it is a never ending Anacapa really.
I create so much unreality. I create so many illusions and mirages in my life. Going to the island so named yesterday was kind of pivotal. And somehow, going there, made me confront a whole bunch of my illusions while being surrounded by the raw, austere beauty of a place that time seems to be ineffective against. Sure the lighthouse and dock are remnants of the white man, but the rest of the place remains unspoiled by our “progress” and feels like a place that has somehow withstood all of our “advancements."
So while I was busy reflecting on some heavy shit, I was also enjoying the company of friends that I don’t know well but am invited to come to know better. Watching Richard and Lauren share their life with us. My friend John being happy and laughing. It was so comfortable and warm and loving. The whole day. Just a sharing of ourselves, our lives and our paths. A communion of souls in a place where it feels like Divinity is closer, more accessible and better able to be experienced.
I spent some time on the ride back, looking back at Anacapa and Santa Cruz Islands as they grew smaller and farther away. I closed my eyes and allowed all the heaviness of my illusions to break free and float out there back to their, perhaps, origin. I mean, I know they originate in my mind, but somehow Anacapa has come to be this external place where they can float to when I free them from me...I am not sure I can explain this. It is just a visual for me now. My illusions, when I admit them and allow them to be free, float up and away and go settle out there on Anacapa where they merge with all the other illusions floating around in this world. Mine just a contribution to the cause. And somehow, this magical place has the ability to neutralize them, disarm them and make them less threatening.
My meditation was interrupted by a pod of dolphins. They ran with the boat and I dangled my feet off the bow and watched them swim and dance and delight. One jumped up and touched my foot. And for a moment, I was not separate, I was not distant, there was a touching of souls. The dolphins made eye contact. They looked at us with some knowledge I can’t quite put my finger on. I can’t figure out exactly what they were saying, just that they know things about life and living that I am only beginning to contemplate and understand. This I know to be true. They possess this secret to life and living. That I am afraid the human species might never understand.
So I left yesterday one woman, and I came back another. I felt rearranged and kind of dying to be alone at home so I could process all that happened to me while sitting still in the middle of the ocean. Drifting around this magical place called Anacapa. Letting the natural world move me closer to all the things I do not know, and all the things I can barely fathom. And yesterday I elevated once more, owing that elevation to Richard, Lauren, Johnny, an island, the ocean, seals, dolphins and the sky. A fitting amalgamation of souls and wild serene places that will teach you everything you need to know about life and living, if you are brave enough to be present.
Again...still.
Commentaires