4:37 am...

Fifty five years ago, at 4:37 am, on a Wednesday, I arrived.  And for awhile now, I wake up every day on my birthday at the time of my birth.  Which, yes, I know is weird.  But hey, you know that I am weird, so it kinda fits.

First of all, let me say that I am very grateful to still be here.  There are a million different variations of my life where I am not.  And I am healthy (at least as far as I know).  And there are a million variations of my health being horrible at my age because lord knows I burned the candle at both ends, in the middle, hell I think I even burned so hot I melted other people’s candles in the immediate vicinity.  I was ablaze with alcoholism, a keen idea of self destruction and a will that would not stop.

It has taken me a long time to grow up.  And I am a slow learner...well, no, that is not true.  I am not.  I am a fast learned, and a quick forgetter.  So I have had to repeat many lessons that should have or could have been learned the first time.  But fuck if I didn’t enjoy the ride.  Even when it took me down, hard.  I still loved the view on my descent.

Motto of my life?

“You don’t have to drag me down, I descend.”  Shawn Colvin.

That was me for so very long...and still can be on occasion.

I woke up this morning, at 4:37 am on the nose and laughed.  That was the first thing I did when I woke up.  Laughed at how I remembered to turn off my alarm last night so I could “sleep in”.  And of course, whatever it is inside me, had other plans.   So not a bad start to my birthday...waking up laughing.  I can think of a few ways to top laughter but....I will take the laugh.

What I am filled with this morning is an immense gratitude for the year just past.  A lot has happened.

I got a new job that I love most of the time.

I ended a toxic and destructive relationship that was killing my spirit.

I let go of a kid that needed to find his own path.

I let go of another kid that needed to find her path.

I took in another kid that needed a soft, kind and loving place to land.

I was of service to my parents, to my friends, to people in recovery.

I worked my ass on in the gym (see what I did there - I do NOT have a lot to work with in that department so I worked it on, not off).

I hiked.

I traveled a lot

I got a new bathroom after 8 years of waiting.

I loved deeply those who are in my life.

I found a love for myself in all of the above that I have not ever known before.

I let some people go that were no longer good for me.

I cried.

I healed.

I believed.

I worked, hard

I worked on my intimacy issues

I spent a great deal of time in nature

I wrote every single day except for a handful

I broke some long standing dysfunctional patterns.  Mostly they have boy names.  Haha

I traveled with girlfriends and we are all still friends

I got a lot of cats...

I got a lot of tattoos

I went to the beach

I went to the mountains

A young man in a park wrote me a poem

I made fires for my cat, Angus

I watched my daughter compete with Odin

I took my daughter snowboarding

I had a catio built

I celebrated 29 years of being sober

I hosted speed dating events

I saw many rainbows

I laughed a lot

I went to places I have never been before

I fell in absolute love with my life

I went to three weddings and cried at every single one - happy tears

I danced

I went to a disco

I went to the fair every single damn day

I watched a friend become a mother and got to support her through a very hard time

I wrapped up all 50 states in 54 years

I helped my daughter get her driver’s license after teaching her to drive

I went to a lot of horse shows

I went to a lot of concerts

I started dating, again

I helped two friend pick out their wedding dresses

I grew

I changed

I leveled the fuck up

I walked through some absolutely horrific shit and came out the other side, bigger, brighter, more loving and more me.

It has been a great fucking year.  And 55, feels like another leveling up.  I know I cannot drive 55, but I can absolutely own 55.  I am grateful for it all...the ecstasy, the excruciating, the evolving, the embracing, the exuberance, the earnestness, the ebullience, the eclectic, the eccentric, the erotic, the exotic, the elusive, the embittered, the embarrassing, the emptiness, the ego deflation, the exhilarating, the exquisite, the elevation, the erratic, the exasperation, the expendable and the evasive.

That is a lot of me, but it wouldn’t have meant anything without all of you.  You are the suns I orbit around.  Living life, loving, hurting, breaking, healing every single day.  Today is just another day, but it feels special to me because of all of you.  I would not be this me if I didn’t have the love, support, balance and accountability you all provide for me everyday.  Thank you for loving me, thank you for showing up for me, thank you for making this whole living endeavor better, richer, fuller and the best life I have ever known.  Left to my own devices, I would have missed it...but for you.

I am grateful to be this age, to be this version of me and for every single one of you I have met, loved, left, enjoyed, despised along the way.  If just one of you would have not been there, I would be someone else.  I feel that deeply today.  It is a very good day indeed when you can love the skin you are in and appreciate all the scars, visible and not, and still be grateful for it all.

Again...still.

My favorite photo of me, in Ireland, this year. Sans make up and ego. Certainly not the best photo I have taken all year but I can see the contentment in my whole being...and that feels like something to celebrate.