Ok, so I am not sure 2024 could be classified as relaxing or particularly restful...but, when I think of 2024, I think of her laying down on some chaise lounge fanning herself, for a job well done. The visual works for me, so I am going with it.
It was a year of reclamation. It was a year that required me to delve pretty deeply into some long standing patterns of ick. I spent the entire year confronting a lot of personal situations which used to baffle me...but I am happy to report, they no longer do. Don’t worry though, there are a million more things that do baffle me still and I am sure they will be on 2025’s agenda. It seems like that is gonna be the deal. 2024 is handing off some unfinished shit from her chaise to 2025 who is similarly reclined and relaxed...but I get the feeling 2025 is only in this position to get the torch...then I have this sneaky suspicion that she is gonna take the fuck off.
On this day last year, I was cuddled up at home with the cats, fire place going, snuggled into my sanctuary. When I look at the photos...I feel like 2023 ended peacefully. Which is a nice thing to feel about an entire year.
I had a post go viral. It got over one million views. That feels like an accomplishment - even though I really did nothing except lay down some truth that pissed some people off which then kicked off this whole chain reaction...kinda me, kind not me. Which could be a metaphor for my life.
Spent a day with my mom at a cat sanctuary in Santa Barbara. I think that I would like to repeat this in 2025. A lot. More time with my mom. More time with cats.
I got a lot more tattoos. A lot. Plan to do more of this in 2025 also.
Spent A LOT of time at the gym. Plan to repeat in 2025.
Did not spend enough time at the beach. I will correct this in 2025.
Spent some quality time with the important women in my life. Plan to do more of this in 2025 also.
Took a lot of photos of my cats. Got two new cats. Plan to repeat in 2025. Although I am really going to try to not get anymore cats...no promises.
Spent more time with my son than I have in a few years. It was lovely. I hope we can do this in 2025 even though he now lives in Texas.
Thought seriously about cutting off my hair. Very grateful, Hayley talked me out of it. Decided yesterday, gonna grow it longer instead. I mean, why the fuck not?
Got to watch my daughter compete with her horse. Went to a lot of horse shows and practices. Now that she has her license, I don’t get to go to practice very much but I will be at those shows whenever I can be! Watching her and Odin ride is one of the very best things I can do with my time.
Received an amends Catio from the last boyfriend. Should have allowed that to just be that. I didn’t. Learned one more time that how someone shows up, is who they are. Spent half of 2024 attempting to avoid this truth. I finally surrendered and accepted that...and in so doing, finally extricated myself from his particular shitshow. It was a hard fucking lesson, but I have never been more grateful for the pain.. It was sufficient to bring about a bottom that has provided me a stable and wonderful foundation for moving forward with my life. I know, I know, it was about time...but fuck, I feel lucky to have gotten here at all. It is wonderful to see who you are, hate it and then change it. 2024 was a relational win for me!
Hiked a lot. Plan to do more of that in 2025.
Took lots of selfies...which means I spent a lot of time alone in 2024. I plan to do more of this as well in 2025. The alone part, not so sure about the selfies.
Went to a lot of live music shows. Definitely repeating that in 2025! Not the same shows, of course.
Let go of a lot of things that weren’t serving me and were actually stunting my growth. Mostly people and a few ideas that were particularly stubborn. Do not regret it, in fact, very grateful I walked through that pain! Do not miss what I haven’t got!
Traveled a lot! Definitely doing more of that in 2025! In 2024 I went to DC, London, Dublin, Belfast, toured the entire country of Ireland, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, New Brunswick, Canada, Prince Edward Island, Cape Bretton, Gampo Abbey, Nova Scotia, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, New York City, Lone Pine, SLO, flew over Greenland which was amazing, Lake Arrowhead, Vinalhaven, Acacia National Park, New England in the Fall,
Talked to a great number of sheep and cows. Turns out we have a lot in common and I find our conversations interesting and life affirming. Plan to do more of this in 2025 without a doubt.
Ripped holes in the butt of my favorite jeans, five times. Had them repaired five times. I am going to keep fixing them until I can’t anymore.
Went on long evening drives up in the mountains alone. Absolutely repeating that trend in 2025.
Helped two friends pick out their wedding dresses. Maybe I am developing a niche? I can help you start your marriage and end it???
Attended three weddings and no funerals. I would like this to repeat in 2025 also.
I aged. And I fought it and I accepted it. And I fought it and I accepted it. Feels like this is just gonna be how it does from here on out.
Went to the Fair. I will do this again in 2025. I fucking love the fair.
Went disco dancing. I want to do more of this in 2025! More dancing! Yes, please.
Bought my son another car. Lesson learned. I will not do this again...ever.
Helped my daughter get her driver’s license. And while I will not have to do this particular thing again, I know there is some heavy lifting letting go going to happen in 2025 with her. It is time. She needs to grow up and move into her life. It is gonna hurt, but she needs it and so do I.
Did not spend enough time with my parents. It is hard. We are all very set in our routines. Our energy levels and interests diverge. But I want to spend more time with them so I am going to slow down and do that in 2025. They won’t be here forever and I do not want to regret anything...ever, most especially them.
Remodeled the bathroom, finally after 8 years in this house. I love it. And while it all happened in perfect timing...I am grateful and I love the new bathroom!
Reconnected with friends from high school which was really lovely. I want to do more of that in 2025.
Became BFFs with my former boyfriend’s girlfriend after me. I know, it is weird and kind of incestous. But it just happened. I am very grateful I got her in the break up! She is the best thing I got out of that relationship...except rid of him and men like him.
Watched a former sponsee realize the life long dream of becoming a mom...in the hardest way imaginable. I watched this woman walk through pain, fear and an ever evolving shitshow of pregnancy and come out the other side, in tact, and stronger than I have ever seen her. A woman that at one time, I didn’t think would make it until Tuesday, not only did, now she is responsible for this tiny new life and she is so incredibly good at it. I got to show up for them on their journey and support them. I am so very lucky!
I got to photograph covered bridges and trees and waterfalls and meandering brooks. I got to spend a great deal of time outside photographing what I love best in this life...the natural world. I intend to do more of this, more intentionally in 2025.
I got to travel around Nova Scotia with another sponsee who is actually from the area. I got to see Canada through the eyes of a Canadian. It was a lovely trip where I got to get over myself and my comfort zones and hard desire to travel alone and spend the time with someone else and actually enjoyed the hell out of it. I plan to travel solo in 2025 but am open to others coming should that be in the cards.
I got to visit Gampo Abbey. It was everything I thought it would be and more. I plan to spend more time in 2025 studying, understanding and practicing my religion. There is so very much there I do not know.
I got to spend a little time where Bill Wilson started out his life in Vermont. We share a birthday, alcoholism and a common solution. I too am very grateful for the program he founded and the life it has given me and so many others. Thank you Bill.
I got to deepen my relationship with my book club sisters. I love them and grateful for the circle of intimate connection we share and our love of books. I am so very grateful for each of them and my deepening connection with them as a group and as individuals. I am a lucky woman to have women friends like them!
I read 32 books this past year. Some fiction, some non-fiction. I didn’t love all that I read, but I loved the process of reading them. I plan to hit 50 books in 2025. I want to spend more time reading books!
I wrote almost every single day of 2024. I missed days due to illness, sex, or travel. That is pretty damn good. I would like to miss no days in 2025. I want to write every single day! And I want to finish my fucking book and get it published! Now, I just have to get out of my way and stop being so scared!
I saw some amazing sunsets and a few sunrises. I want to do more of both in 2025. I want to start the day watching the sun warm the earth and I want to grant myself time to reflect on the day just passed in 2025.
I went to the islands only once in 2024. I plan to correct that in 2025. It is the place I feel safe and seen and calm. I want to spend more time on the Channel Islands...and outside in general.
I did not camp much in 2024. I want to fix that in 2025. I want to camp as much as I can. Spend my time around a camp fire just stat gazing and contemplating the meaning of life and love and where I fit into all of that.
I walked the journey of sobriety with one woman to her one year mark. I continue to walk this path with her. I believed I taught her some things along the way. But I know she taught me more. I know that in being intimately involved with her I grew, I changed and I leveled up. I hope that I was able to do the same for her. I loved her to the very best of my ability and remain grateful she is in my life. I am very, very happy that she didn’t give up all the times she wanted to...because my life would suck without her in it.
I was asked to sponsor several woman this past year after a long sponsor drought. Oddly enough, I fired my own sponsor this year and had to walk through the hard feelings that ending left me with. I remain open to getting a new sponsor in 2025 but I am ok continuing to check in with all the amazing sober women in my life who I am lucky enough to call friend. I am not great at intimacy and it frequently gives way to unhealthy codependence for me. I am open to a new sponsor relationship in 2025 but I am ok if that doesn’t happen. Just one more thing I am leaving up to God. My job is just to remain open and willing.
I dated. I am still not great at it but I withstood my own discomfort and persevered. I met some interesting characters. I met some great men. I didn’t fall in love or really worry about that all that much. I did my best to own my true self and show up as I am and be as kind as I can be in the process. I told the truth even when that truth was hard to tell and resulted in the guy ending things. I trusted that too was also what was meant to be. I was kind and mature even when sometimes they were not. I didn’t whore it around but instead learned to stand back and not lead with the physical. I have mixed feelings about this. It would have been nice for 2024 to have been more sex laden...but then again, that wasn’t in the cards. And I learned more from the lack of sex in 2024 than I am sure I would have if I would have been fucking all the time. Not sure what I want in this regard in 2025. What I think I have learned most importantly, is that it is best if I am not in charge of any of this. My job is to show up and tell the truth. God will decide who comes and who goes...lol, literally.
I did not yoga much or meditate. I had a thriving meditation practice before I took the boyfriend back the last time. And ever since then I have not been able to meditate regularly. It is like I feel that God is mad at me for taking him back this last time and so in my shame and embarrassment, I avoid sitting with God because I am afraid of the lecture. I know God doesn’t want or need to lecture me. And I do feel I have learned this lesson so now it is just the stupid and self defeating deployment of self sabotage one more time. I plan to get over myself and bring my meditation and yoga practice back in 2025! I owe it to myself to give myself the very best of me, and I can’t get there without sitting still with God every day. I just can’t. And if I don’t do yoga, sitting in half lotus every day is painful so...
2024 was a good year. A solid year. It was a year of reclamation which can often feel like a waste of time. Reclamation means taking back what once was yours but became lost. So in some regards, it feels like time spent doing something that you shouldn’t have had to do if you were doing it right in the first place. I learned this past year...that no effort is ever wasted because you can learn hard, persistent things, things that have stymied and plagued you for years, if you just never give up and remain willing to do the things in front of you and confront the ever present fear that tells you, you can’t, you shouldn’t, you aren’t good enough.
2024 was representative of who I was this year. A little traumatized, a little messy, a little all over the place, a little attention seeking, a little desperate, a little scared and a little progress. I am grateful for all of it and the ability to show up for it all. Thank you God for another year of this amazing, wonderful, painful, teaching life I get to live. Thank you for the gift of everything, all at once, and not at all.
Again...still.
Always.
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